Student writers Zane Cawthon and Thomas von Borstel and Editor-in-Chief Justin Guglielmetti dispense with the crystal balls to give their scientifically validated predictions.
Mayfield Drafted by Browns, Spontaneously Combusts
After a tremendous Heisman-award-winning career at the University of Oklahoma, Baker Mayfield will be taken with the first overall pick of the NFL Draft by arguably the sports world’s most prestigious franchise, the Cleveland Browns. Unfortunately, he will burst into flames the moment his name leaves Commissioner Roger Goodell’s lips. In the coming years, other pyrophobic prospects, as well as those who merely value their lives, will purposefully tank the combine to avoid catching Cleveland’s eye.
LeBron Remains a Cav
The Warriors are vulnerable for the first time of the apex-Steph Curry era. The Rockets remain unproven in the playoffs. LeBron James will once again march through the weaker Eastern Conference to his eighth consecutive NBA Finals appearance and, once there, will probably face the best odds he’s had since his return to Cleveland. Regardless of what happens, I just don’t see the guy abandoning his hometown for a second time and giving up a seat that’s way cushier than it’s being given credit for, especially when there’s nowhere he could go that would markedly improve his Finals odds. If he doesn’t stay put, one theory that I will concede has some legs to it is both LeBron and Paul George opting to sign with the Los Angeles Lakers. LA still has a lot of young talent on the books even after trading much of it away over the past year, and adding those two names would instantly make them one of the league’s elite teams. Plus everyone knows LeBron and Isaiah Thomas are best friends, right?
McGregor’s Head Squashed Grape
Poor unrepentant asshole Conor McGregor’s career has fallen off the rails. Though he will unjustly escape a prison sentence after he and his posse attacked a bus, Lil’ Mac will attempt to validate his increasingly insecure manhood by taking on an even larger opponent: Hafthor Julius Bjornsson, a.k.a. “The Mountain.” The two previously engaged in a lighthearted sparring match a few years back, but McGregor will forget that real fights between 150-pound Irishmen and 415-pound Vikings don’t often end well. HBO and Showtime are already duking it out over who gets to carry the fight, but rather than shelling out the big bucks, just check out the end of the Game of the Thrones episode “The Mountain and the Viper” for an accurate preview of the results.
Nashville Predators win Stanley Cup
… and Zane is still the only person south of Canada who cares. The Preds will avenge their heartbreaking loss in the Finals last year and defeat the Pittsburgh Penguins in seven games to win their first championship in franchise history. Music City will have a parade to celebrate the first champion of any sport in Tennessee, P.K. Subban will finally have his name forever etched in glory and I’ll have a huge laugh watching Pittsburgh fans cry now that their precious three-peat has been ruined. It’s going to be great.
Dodgers Miss Postseason, Stampede Injures Hundreds
A massive crowd will slow traffic to a halt as thousands of Los Angeles baseball fans follow the famous LA Bandwagon Trail from Dodger Stadium to Angel Stadium (of Anaheim) thirty miles away. The fans will be alerted to the city’s shift in allegiance after receiving news that the Dodgers suck again and the Angels have this new guy who pitches and hits home runs at the same time. The resulting trek to support their new favorite team will see hundreds of LA residents passed out on the shoulder of Interstate 5 from the realization that supporting the Angels includes associating with people from Orange County. This sight, while alarming, will not be unfamiliar to Angelenos, seeing as it won’t make traffic any worse than it usually is. This traditional pilgrimage is expected to occur again in 2022, when the Angels collapse after four years of not making it past the ALCS.
Dirk Nowitzki Actually Immortal
After Dirk’s March announcement that he will return for a record-tying 21st season in the NBA, suspicions will rise that the German giant is on HGH to maintain his performance as a walking god. To quell these rumors, Nowitzki will instead announce to the world that he actually is a walking god, unkillable and untouchable. In the press release, he will explain that the circumstances surrounding his immortality are complicated, but that “it’s kinda like Tuck Everlasting, and the lesson to learn is that you all are better off living your puny human lives.”
In World-Stunning Fashion, University of North Carolina-Charlotte wins NCAA FBS National Championship
This is fairly self-explanatory if you keep up with the 49ers. The program emerged from the football fetus in 2008 ripe and ready to play some D1 ball. In recent years, they’ve put up incredible 1-11 seasons, winning out against storied programs such as the University of Alabama at Birmingham. They’ve added a handful of recruits much like other programs, but it’s pretty certain that the caliber of their recruits combined with the elite coaching staff will host a winning formula.
Tom Brady Possibly the Worst Quarterback of All Time
After watching the Patriot’s success from my bitter Atlantan high-backed chair, I have now turned to my crystal ball and have foreseen Brady crapping the bed worse than Ryan Leaf and becoming the league’s new joke: possibly meme-ier than Brian Scalabrine. And Giselle will leave him too.