Students complain that all this interest in preventing sexual violence is really bumming them out.
Many students are applauding the University of Tulsa’s recent efforts renewing their commitment to sexual assault prevention. However, several young men on campus have complained that the revamped policies are discriminatory and severally interfere with their collegiate learning experience.
Hugo Douce, the president of [redacted] fraternity, is leading the charge of men protesting the “destructive campus safety culture.”
“Just hear me out, we understand that our female counterparts deserve respect and need to feel safe on campus and all that, but what about our rights?” Douce asked.
“As fellow students of this university we have a right to party. It says so right here in the Student Code of Conduct!” Douce said, thrusting a copy of the lyrics to a Beastie Boys song in my hands with the words “Student Code of Conduct” written on the top in childish scrawl.
“I just feel like we are having our freedoms taken away from us,” added Richard Facce as he sorted through the SA paperwork he needed to fill out to charter his new club “TU Meninists”.
To my question “So you’re complaining that TU is limiting your freedom to party by encouraging bystander intervention and strongly defining consensual sex?” Facce responded, “NO! That’s not what I’m saying at all! God, stop trying to womansplain to me!”
“All I’m saying is that I can’t get any anymore ‘cause all these bitches are scared to drink the drinks I hand them and girls at parties are walking home in groups and shit,” Facce continued.
Another young man who asked to remain anonymous because of the sensitivity of the subject came forward to reveal a series of threatening text messages he received from a girl that he used to have a hard-on for.
After getting her phone number from a friend of a friend of a friend the guy texted her out of the blue telling her how beautiful she was.
At first she responded, “I’m flattered, who is this?”
He told her his name and asked her out to get some coffee. She consented to get coffee with him later that week.
After the date he texted her routinely to tell her how pretty she was and how horny she made him.
After he sent 6 messages in a row, including a picture of his “gargantuan dick” without getting a response he sent “Stop ghosting me you hateful bitch.”
In response the girl typed, “Look, I’m just not that interested. Please do not talk to me like that. If you message me again I will call Campus Police.”
“Can you believe this bitch?” the man said showing me his messages with no concern about his own actions. “Can you believe this slut threatened to call campus security on ME?”
“It really is just unbelievable what this campus is becoming,” he said. “I just don’t understand why TU is encouraging this kind of behavior.”
Student athlete Willy Nads Johnson said the prevention efforts have negatively impacted his ability to be a productive member of the student body.
“I can’t focus in practice because coach keeps telling us to respect women and reminding us about consent. I can’t focus in class because all these girls are walking around in sexy sweatshirts and leggings without any concern for how their clothing choices affect me. I can’t even focus while studying because I get these panic attacks thinking about how I’ll never get laid again,” Johnson said.
According to Douce things are getting bad with all this repressed sexual tension in the air.
“No girls showed up to the last party and I got so-blackout that I went upstairs and masterbated on one of the sleeping pledges,” Douce somewhat shockingly said out loud. “This little bitch told some of the other guys in the house, but it’s ok now because I called him a lying little fag and he didn’t make in.”
The members of literally every other fraternity on campus publicly denounced [redacted] fraternity in a campus-wide email saying “We strongly disagree with Douce’s statements” and “are trying to make campus a more comfortable place, where people can exist in peace as more than just sexual objects.”
“We acknowledge the role fraternities have played in past in silencing sexual assault victims and intend to work with the University of Tulsa every step of the way to end rape culture,” the email stated.
However, some students thought the fraternities taking positive steps were actually getting into bed with the oppressor.
“Rape culture isn’t a real thing,” Facce said while tweeting out the hashtag #NotAllMen. “It’s just a tool of the establishment feminazi agenda to punish good guys like us for not falling in line with their reverse-racist PC bullshit.”
When asked how the men plan to continue to express their dissatisfaction with prevention policies Facce said, “I’m thinking about starting the #MeToo so men like me can share their discrimination stories.”
TU President Gerard Clancy chose not to formally respond to, or even acknowledge, any of the young men’s complaints, though he could be seen shaking his head disapprovingly through his tiny office window before sitting down to write another campus-wide email.