The new prison motif comes with its own bodyguard: Officer Goldie. graphic by Conner Maggio

#6: A plea to our construction overlords

Improve TU by keeping the aesthetically pleasing, prison-like pits around campus forever

As anyone who has considered walking by frat row knows, there’s been construction by the Mabee Gym in the recent past. While some might say it’s a weird eyesore (honestly, where is their sense of style?), those of us with proper fashion training recognize its beauty. Without the lovely fences that really emphasize the prison style, we would not get to experience Pike’s various signs over the fences for multiple weeks as they tried to hide the dystopian vibes and unsightly mud from their pristine frat house.

Plus, who can forget the pit outside Hardesty? When residents needed a break from the drama of normal college life, they could go into the muddy depths and meditate on where they went wrong. In the pits on the north side of campus, students prayed to Clancy, their professors and Goldie to save their lives and their grades, since the closer to the ground students were, the further they were from their despair (and other students). Now that those pits are gone, students have taken to sitting in the center of various streets on campus to cry openly. It only makes sense to keep campus safe by bringing back the pits.

While the construction is going on, students have to alter their daily walking paths. As students on campus deviate from the one route they usually take, they might run into new people on campus! Plus, if anyone wants to avoid those people who give them anxiety, they might not be able to anymore, and witnessing the ensuing drama is so much fun!

So after the beauty that is the prison fences, meditative pits and new paths, everyone should be excited for the opportunities that each new construction location brings. Plus, the underground betting markets on how long the construction will take are thriving, and without construction, these will shrivel up. The other alternative, betting on what professors do or say, can be far too predictable (or so these bookies tell me). Don’t forget to vote YES for construction on the next SA survey (or just chant in the closest pit and Clancy will hear you).

Post Author: Hannah Robbins