60 thoughts I had while listening to Weezer’s new album Pacific Daydream

Weezer’s a tried-and-true band, so their latest release is bound to have a couple good jams on it, right?
1. Variety Editor Ethan Veenker made fun of me for liking Weezer. I hope there is another “Island In The Sun” or “Beverly Hills” on this album so I can stick my tongue out at him.
2. “Mexican Fender” is a weird name, I hope this song isn’t racist.
3. Oh, it’s about a guitar.
4. Is this song advocating adultery?
5. I don’t know if she loves you, but she doesn’t love her boyfriend.
6. This album released a little late for what is clearly supposed to be a “hot summer single.”
7. This track sounds like a generic boy band created it. Please don’t do this to me Weezer.
8. “Beach Boys” you say. Is there about to be some 1960’s rock throwback?
9.This is super synthesized.
10. Ha, it is actually about the beach boys.
11. I would actually much rather turn it up for the actual Beach Boys.
12. Champagne and OJ?!
13. Who are we holding up at gunpoint?
14. How is “Quit screaming and start singing from your heart” 3000 words? If you’re going to interject random speech into your song shouldn’t it at least make sense?
15. This is so high pitched I can’t understand the lyrics.
16. The phrase “Let’s go” is going to echo on in my head for the next hour isn’t it?
17. Hey, I’ve actually heard “Feels Like Summer” on the radio already.
18. “I’m spiritual, not religious. I’m a Libra, if that matters.” It doesn’t.
19. Why does summer feel so melancholy?
20. Is background speech just going to be a theme of this album?
21. This is pretty whiney.
22. “Happy Hour,” I might need one of those after listening to this.
23. Generic bar music, I see.
24. Monty Python?
25. I also need happy hour on sad days I guess.
26. Do I have to admit defeat to Ethan 5 songs in?! Please Weezer, give me a strong back half of the album.
27. It’s like they’re warbling over what would otherwise be nice upbeat instrumental music.
28. “Weekend Woman” is off to a pleasant start.
29. The ABCs of love?
30. Is “when God made her he threw away the formula” supposed to be a compliment? It doesn’t sound like a compliment.
31. Fell in love on a Sunday and drifted away on a Monday … so you’re ghosting until the weekend?
32. The dating scene of 2017 is a weird one.
33. EWWW, what a gross musical transition.
34. Is this whole album about pining after women?
35. Okay, so we are starting “QB Blitz” like the theme music for a wholesome family sitcom?
36. Poor friendless, loveless bastard.
37. Just say no to drugs!
38. I’ll be missing you like ox-y-gen, z-gen.
39. This sounds like background music for a Care Bears movie.
40. PLEASE WEEZER. My pride is at stake.
41. “Sweet Mary” already sounds like yet another love song.
42. Ok, I can stand this so far. Significantly more natural sounding.
43. Fine. Its pretty generic, but at least it’s not bad.
44. Is he in love with Mary because she is doing everything for him?
45. WAIT WHAT? You don’t even know who Mary is?
46. “Get Right” is supposed to refer to how this track is going to correct the rest of the album right?
47. Not only do the drum beats overpower the song so that I can’t actually hear the lyrics, but they are also really basic.
48. Am I going to have to relisten to this track just to hear the lyrics?
49. Why won’t I tell you it’s over? Maybe because I still have faith in us Weezer?! Stop trying to passive aggressively break up with me.
50. “La Mancha Screwjob” also sounds like a racist title.
51. Another song about being lonely.
52. EWW, I fourth love song about summer. Have all my preconceived notions about Weezer’s musical talent just been a lie.
53. Huudlum? Porch boum? Those aren’t how you pronounce those words.
54. I mean. I don’t notice anything particularly racially sensitive about this track other than the title.
55. “Any Friend of Diane’s” is a friend of mine? So far the song is just repeating the title over and over.
56. A $20 tip you say?
57. Black hair and a Smith’s shirt is probably my spirit animal.
58. This is not the same old Weezer, but this track is redeemable.
59. Or maybe just repetitive?
60. Well, that’s it I guess. Damn it Ethan. You win. Please do not purchase or listen to this album. We should not be encouraging this blasphemy. If you need a Weezer fix I suggest sticking with the older songs.