TU is a great school in maybe not the best location. Here are five locations where TU could thrive.
Who even let Oklahoma be a state anyway? It’s riddled with heart disease and tobacco and drug use and alcoholism and human trafficking and lousy pay for teachers and incessant use of the word “y’all.” In my opinion, a lot of the problems that people have with the University of Tulsa can be easily remedied by picking up the entire institution and plopping it in another, less pitiful state. So until the board of trustees finally replies to my email correspondence, here are my top five contenders for TU’s new host:
5. Texas
Texas has a lot of the same problems as Oklahoma, but they somehow make it seem way cooler.
Obesity? “Bring it on, Randall! Put another rack of ribs in the smoker!” says the pitmaster.
Alcoholism? “Sweetie, the only thing coming between me and a frozen margarita after I drop the kids off is the Lord,” says the tired soccer mom.
Drugs? “Hey, man, you know what they say: ‘Keep Austin Weird,’ amirite?” says the liberal.
I say we slide TU right in next to UT and just make everyone even more confused.
4. Louisiana
Often, I find that Oklahoma is grouped into the South without really being all that southern. So to truly embrace our southerness, TU could move to Louisiana, a decidedly more southern state. And we won’t even miss the constant barrage of tornados, as we’ll have hurricane season to look forward to.
3. Washington
With TU firmly situated in Green Country, I’m sure that there’s nothing that its students would love more than moving to an even greener country. With thicc trees. And real mountains. And rivers with actual water in them.
2. California
In-N-Out.
1. Perdido Oil Rig
Okay, you got me. This is the world’s largest offshore oil rig, not a US state. But is this really so much of a stretch? There are some amazing benefits to moving TU here. For starters, selling TU to Shell would bring down tuition costs! And the university could FINALLY kick out all of the other filler majors and focus only on the one true path: petroleum engineering. And spring break would be a breeze as TU would be right in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico.
There is literally no downside to this plan.
