#8: Make dining dollars great again

Dining dollars don’t have enough buying power, specifically buying power for prescription drugs.

Since the beginning of dining dollars, students have wanted more uses out of their meals. First, it was for access to the fast food services on the edge of campus. Next, it was to buy alcoholic beverages at the hut. Now, it is for prescription medications.

Students have mixed reactions to these ideas. Some say that allowing dining dollars to go toward prescription medications will be too costly for the school.

One administrator, Tanya Winters, claimed, “If we allow students to transfer money to local pharmacies, the school will go broke from too many students using all of their dining dollars.”

A self-proclaimed amateur pharmacist on campus, Brock Hampton, claimed that if this proposal passes, he will go out of business.

“Students will start to take their businesses to Walgreens and CVS, and I will lose my sole source of income!” said Hampton.

Prez scholar Veronica Brady felt the exact opposite. “I will finally have some way to monetize my scholarship without having to pimp out food for dates.”

The allowed medications would include Xanax, Adderall and a list of antidepressants, which sources claim 95 percent of campus students are currently taking, 60 percent of which through legal means.

Others complained the list did not include enough substances. “Where’s my weed, bro,” stammered student Fraser Kushner.

However, those in favor of the bill outweigh those opposed to it.

“It just makes sense,” said computer science student Ashley Carnahan. “If school causes 90 percent of the mental illness in students, why shouldn’t they reimburse us?”

Part of the proposal includes having vending machines on campus for the sole purpose of containing the prescription medications, accessible by your ID. The C-store would include it behind the counter, and the Alexander Health Center would hire a doctor for prescribing and administering the new medications.

After hours, students could go to the Hut to get a benzo margarita in the flavors of Anxiety-Relieving Apple and Stomach-Pump Strawberry.

In the library, ADHD medication would be available at the coffee shop. The most anticipated drink is the triple espresso laced with Adderall, perfect for an all-nighter.

Some want the drugs, but only the brand name. Brady added, “If I get the name brand, I can easily get two bucks more a pop, three if from the frats and srats.”

Overall, the response is positive. After all, the vast majority of campus is already on the medication, so why not use your parent’s and the school’s money to buy your drugs?

Post Author: Madison Connell