Conner Maggio showing off his star chart. Graphic by Madeline Woods

According to my star chart, we’re supposed to fuck

I always thought that when we met, the stars aligned. As it turns out, so did the planets.

Now, I know we have had our ups and downs, and I know that with Valentine’s Day around the corner, you probably do not want to hear from me, but please hear me out. My horoscope told me that I “should beg for forgiveness immediately,” and my fortune cookie had the Chinese word for love on it, and then the fortune said, “You must avoid making an idiot of yourself.” Meaning that I should, of course, beg for your forgiveness.
There is no excuse for what I have done, but to be fair I had no idea your entire family was allergic to oregano. Like, you told me, like, once, but c’mon, dude. My lasagna is awesome, absolutely amazing, and they all said so before being taken to the hospital. If making great pasta-based dishes is a crime, then I am guilty. And if poisoning an entire family is a crime, then I guess that I am guilty of that as well. And if loving you is a crime, then I must have committed several felonies. Wait, where are you going? Come back!
Now I took the liberty of inputting your birth date and birth location into a star chart, which is less creepy than it sounds, as it turns out we are perfectly compatible. According to the star chart, I am destined to find someone who is “a little mad” at me, and you are destined to be with “someone who is way more stupid than you are.” See? We are perfect. Because both of us have our Saturns in Aquarius, we are supposed to fuck. I did not make that up. It is on the website I was using. Which is worse, having sex with me, or making the entire universe mad at us for not having sex? The answer is clear. February 14 marks the day when both of us are supposed to have a special encounter, according to a Russian horoscope website that is made by my distant cousin I met on last month.
Our chakras are so in sync, our auras are the same exact color, and our cats don’t fight when they see each other. Sure, we only dated for two months, but that is just how romance is. I think that we have something special — some people may call it destiny, and I am some people. So please give that restraining order a second thought. We totally have a future together, so long as your family stays away from my oregano farm.

Post Author: Conner Maggio