A comprehensive list of situations and their libations.
College students have long asked the question, “How will I get drunk this afternoon?” and for centuries the answer has been “Natural Light.” But that answer comes with its own set of problems. What if I am out of Natural Light? What then can I do? And what if it just is not a Natty Light fratty night?
This realization has led to the foundation of this list, the contents of which will help you realize the one true alcohol that will help you deal with your particular problems. There exists four categories of situations where you would be partaking in the party juice: summers, bummers, ragers and cagers. Anything outside of these situations is fair game to any intoxicating beverage, as long as it is not within a court of law.
Summers are the moments in life that take place in summer. If you expected a deeper meaning in that, you are reading the wrong list. These are the drinks you should try when you want to kick back and play ultimate frisbee with the dudes. Always start with something a little fancy, so that you can feel that you have accomplished something. Tiki drinks are great for this, but in a pinch, you can add Malibu to lemon-lime Gatorade. Then transition to Natural Light, the only beer that makes me want to attend an AA meeting. Any other beer is serviceable but not ideal. You want something cheap that tastes not great. This is so that everyone drinks, but not too much.
Bummers are the moments in life that make you ask, “Why me?” With the help of this list, you can delay that question for about 12 hours. Anything sad and serious should be met with a sad and serious bev’, and that means that you should be drinking the somberest of wines. For this I would recommend a Pinot Noir (pronounced “peanut noyer”), appropriate for funerals and Thanksgivings alike. If you can’t find the wine aisle in the store, get yourself some Natural Light. After all, if it is your homie’s funeral, it is what he would have wanted; it’s respectful.
Ragers are parties and moments that rage — again, it is not that deep. You can use this for celebrations of any kind. For example, if it is your graduation, get a celebratory alcohol like champagne. If you do not like champagne, get Natural Light, the champagne of beers. For parties, I recommend getting some Natural Light as a beer for the party, so that you may play all the sacred party games that involve a beer. And something cheap and very alcoholic, but not too cheap or too alcoholic. The second cheapest vodka will probably make you sick, but will definitely get you drunk.
Cagers, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is “a worker who loads and unloads cages and gives hoisting signals,” the plan being that you work, and at night you can hoist as necessary after the work is done. And there is only really one thing you can drink for this, and that is Natural Light.