Alexander Graham Bell debates getting a new phone

27 April 2017
Sam Beckmann, Thinks the telegram is a pretty neat idea

Notable inventor Alexander Graham Bell asks your advice on getting a new phone.

State-Run readers, I need your assistance. I have an important decision to make. I’ve recently been mulling over the idea of getting a new phone. My carrier has me eligible for an upgrade, which I guess means it’s time. But alas, my current phone works fine. I mean, sure, the rotary device is a bit worn, and there’s a huge crack in the crank, but do I really need to yield to consumerism? Plus, the new phones all have a keypad for dialing. I’m not sure I really need this; after all, what’s wrong with the rotary mechanism? But, in the interest of being a well informed buyer, I decided I would consult the all-knowing State-Run section for its immense knowledge. Before you all start going around and suggesting any old piece of junk phone, though, I have a list of requirements that any replacement will have to have:

State of the art audio reproduction. I’m an audiophile, so this has to be good. To give you an example, _less than half_ of the words transmitted over the line should be lost in static. It’s current year, people, this shouldn’t be something I even have to specify.

Smooth rotary action. I don’t want my finger getting caught when dialing because the phone isn’t properly oiled.

A 1080p display. I don’t know what this is, but everyone’s talking about it, so I’ve got to have it.

At least 4 kilobytes of memory. I don’t want to have to deal with warnings that I’m running out of memory to save my friends’ phone numbers.

Everything above is non-negotiable. Of course, there are other things I would like to have as well, but I understand it’s unreasonable to expect everything I want from a phone. Specifically, I want a phone with a coiled cable leading to the earpiece. I know it’s just aesthetic, but I keep my phones for a long time (around 140 years) and I really want a phone I’ll enjoy looking at as it sits on my desk every day. Finally, it would be nice if my phone didn’t share all my data with the NSA, but we’ve all got to compromise somewhere, right? If it comes down to it, I’ll choose a smooth rotary action over protecting my data any day.