In response to recent events, The university will be opening a new department focused on maintaining universal satisfaction among students.
In order to increase morale and decrease stress, the office will handle the processing of public and private information made available by students in all media except the verbal kind.
This will remove the responsibility of expression from students, allowing them to focus on schoolwork without worrying about affecting the quality of life of their peers.
The program also aims to reduce the hassle and stress of free interaction, protecting the student from their own words as well as the potentially dangerous words of others.
Students of the university will be required to obtain department approval before exposing their thoughts to the outside world. Failure to submit thoughts to the bureau will result in appropriate reprimand.
In addition, any association with those who refuse to comply will be met with automatic suspension. Plans to introduce pre-made social media updates, text templates, and university approved “Happy Talk” have also been initiated.
Remember, our goal is to keep your experience at the University of Tulsa golden.