I’m begging you, Bathilda, please don’t walk away now. Think about the bones I’ve lovingly scattered in our boudoir. graphic by Anna Johns

Fuck Tinder. I’m off to the Bog.

After years of mindlessly swiping and scrolling through dating apps, I have surely seen the talent pool this side of the Mississippi has to offer: men with fish, men with guns and men with God (not pictured, but, like, there’s a cross somewhere). At this point, the flirtations are stale, and my travels into the […]

While many have praised the Suez Canal for speaking its truth, others do not believe the ship has learned the consequences of its actions. graphic by Anna Johns

Ever Given releases apology video for being stuck in the Suez Canal

On Wednesday, disaster in the world of international trading struck: one of the largest container ships in the world (and therefore one of the most popular container ships) was grounded in the Suez Canal, causing a huge jam of trading vessels. At the time of writing, the reported monetary damage is $55 billion. Understandably, the […]

The three things every American needs: the Almanac, two worshipful women and a fedora of possibilities. graphic by Anna Johns

Oh, Phew: TikTok cult assures audience they are not a cult

For the past few weeks, TikTok has been oversaturated with posts revolving around a Kentucky commune: brandished Eden, the self-sustaining group has 50 members of varying odors, and they’re actively looking for people to join. With the address of the commune listed in their profile, the account thegardenfrees posts regular TikToks showing day-to-day life. These […]

After I am done with this cardio-intensive musical number, your ass is mine, Inhofe. graphic by Anna Johns

Five tips to deal psychic damage to your congressman

American elected officials are ideally supposed to listen to their constituents’ voices and reflect their public’s political desires. In any rudimentary government class, a citizen is taught to directly contact their representatives and congresspeople to share their positions on legislation; it is one’s first amendment rights, of course, and the best way to bolster democracy […]

Gogmagog the Insipid and Jötnar the Rock Tosser out in the sun. graphic by Anna Johns

Hurricane Spotlight: here are the impious, rowdy trolls who guard McFarlin from COVID-19

With vaccinations rising and cases of COVID-19 falling, commuter and on-campus students alike feel more comfortable hanging around campus; with guidelines followed, more people lounge about the Old and New U, ACAC is slowly refilling and the imported Norwegian trolls have taken guardianship of the McFarlin Library. Named Gogmagog the Insipid and Jötnar the Rock […]

A rare photo emerged of Clancy and his amulet after the Ghost Tour. Is this the mysterious “Farly”? graphic by Anna Johns

McFarlin Ghost Tour delivers its promise of fright

Last Thursday, McFarlin Library hosted a ghost tour that promised the exploration of the haunted upper library floors. TU students registered for the event, expecting to hear rudimentary ghost stories and learn the lore surrounding the library on campus. Things were relatively normal. The librarian explained the history of the floor and quipped about being […]

Every moment can lead to romance, even when your professor is trying to share their screen. graphic by Anna Johns

Missed Connections: Seeking philosophy major hottie

We were in class via Collaborate. The subject was history, but it might as well have been chemistry! You’ve talked before, usually to rephrase an already-expressed opinion on our reading, and I never thought much of you. You were one of the few to have your camera on in class, an act that denotes virility […]

Wow, hottie with a body! Wait, you’re telling me he’s WOKE too? graphic by Anna Johns

Heartwarming: frat house tries to learn feminist theory

Last semester, frat house Alpha Smegma Chi found itself fighting controversy after all of their pledges tested positive for COVID-19. TU’s COVID-19 contact tracing team located its source: the balls of Stephen Bolt, a junior business major. “It was all a bit of fun,” Bolt explained. “The new guys just had to suck my balls […]

It's 2021. Giant Gorillas and nuclear lizard creatures can fall in love, you know. graphic by Emma Palmer

“Godzilla vs. Kong” surprises audiences with love story

Well, it happened. The trailer for the new Godzilla vs. Kong released, and fans expected to see an epic boss battle between gorilla and lizard, who, as we all know, are natural enemies and Mother Nature’s chosen foe. Instead, Godzilla vs. Kong is a classic enemies-to-lover slow burn. The trailer started normally. The human characters […]