Benjamin Franklin, Elon Musk, Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter) and President Trump on Mount Slowless. graphic by Conner Maggio

The definitive list of best United States presidents

The hard truth about our country’s greatest historical figures. To spice things here in the dying industry of newspaper print, we have compiled a list of the top 10 presidents of the United States. Here is the rundown: First, some honorable mentions. We looked and looked through this list and after extensive combing, narrowed out […]

Is Pluto t h i c c enough?

Curvy celebrities weigh in on Pluto’s planetary status. Pluto was stripped of its planet status years ago, a decision established by the ITC (International Thiccness Council). This group of affluent decision-makers includes the controversial Kim Kardashian and Krew, the infamous Buzz Lightyear, and destroyer-of-worlds Thanos. Because of their influence and status, they had banished Pluto […]