graphic by Naomi Dunn

Black hole manifests in US West washing machine

Maintenance called to repair a singularity that materialized in a TU student apartment. At approximately 0300 hours on Sunday, Sept. 2, the physical plant received a maintenance request. It was filed away automatically from the housing system records, ready to be distributed across campus to the workers that dutifully show up at 0700 hours sharp […]

If you aren’t careful, these tombstones found on the New U might be your own. graphic by Conner Maggio

Ten normal things that mean you are dying

Hypochondriacs have the right idea: be wary of these 10 things that mean you’re a goner. With the flu season and our first round of midterms coming up, it is important to pay attention to your wellbeing. Hopefully by the time you read this, you’ll recognize these common symptoms that would very well signify your […]

“The Last Judgment” adorns the altar wall of the Sistine Chapel. courtesy LivItaly Tours

Why study abroad? A student’s perspective

Studying overseas was one of the biggest character building experiences of my time here at TU. While going through the process of applying for study abroad, take a second to step back and think about what it is that you’re actually aiming for. As the semester picks up speed, remember why it’s important to complete […]

How to apply for the Gillman Scholarship

The prestigious scholarship is worth going for even with a daunting application. Understanding how to travel abroad in the summer can be hard, especially if you’ve got a heavy semester and a light wallet. If you’re in the position to travel this summer and want to maximize your vacation, consider that the option of studying […]

Betsy DeVos ends syllabus day

Our Secretary of Education decided to throw out syllabuses in favor of innovation. Throw away your syllabi. This is America, you li’l pipsqueaks. Yeah, you heard me right, you Tik-Tok watching procrastinator. I called you a pipsqueak, and you’re going to listen to me. Why? Because Betsy DeVos has created a new law punishable by […]

Benjamin Franklin, Elon Musk, Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter) and President Trump on Mount Slowless. graphic by Conner Maggio

The definitive list of best United States presidents

The hard truth about our country’s greatest historical figures. To spice things here in the dying industry of newspaper print, we have compiled a list of the top 10 presidents of the United States. Here is the rundown: First, some honorable mentions. We looked and looked through this list and after extensive combing, narrowed out […]

Is Pluto t h i c c enough?

Curvy celebrities weigh in on Pluto’s planetary status. Pluto was stripped of its planet status years ago, a decision established by the ITC (International Thiccness Council). This group of affluent decision-makers includes the controversial Kim Kardashian and Krew, the infamous Buzz Lightyear, and destroyer-of-worlds Thanos. Because of their influence and status, they had banished Pluto […]