Bike thief extraordinaire unveils master plan

You probably aren’t reading this story from your bike. Not for the obvious reason that it’s dangerous—we all know you like to live dangerously—but because your bike has been stolen!

Hundreds of students have been in a similar scenario, unable to enjoy the finer points of cyclist life.

There are many possible explanations for this caper. A popular theory among students seems to be that the bike shop has been repossessing bikes.

This theory was disproven by shop manager Aaron Radon, who was happy to mention that “nobody in the shop even knows how to ride a bike, much less how to steal one.”

Another theory involved highly respected members of the TU community, the ever-popular campus cats.

Junior Rebecca Griff posted a photo of a cat on top of a yellow bike to her Instagram on January 22. The photo’s caption read “My bike! ;_; #CrossingTheFeLINE.”

Many students were convinced that this was the kitty conspiracy of the century, but it wasn’t long before graphic design students pointed out inconsistencies in lighting and resolution. Griff admitted on January 25 that the photo was fake.

It seemed that every lead came to a dead end until a student posted on Yik Yak that they saw someone taking three yellow bikes into Stephenson Hall on the night of February 1.

A stake-out the next night confirmed suspicions, but what was found was more horrible than anyone anticipated.

Senior mechanical engineering student Robert Fiets has happy to confess to the crimes when confronted, confident that his plan was too far along to be stopped by police.

Fiets had been putting the finishing touches on his mechanical opus: a massive super-bike made completely out of university bikes and lock cables.

The metal beast was a rather impressive feat of design, and it proved fully functional as Fiets escaped Stephenson Hall with his 400-wheeler, surely looking to add more features to the device.

His escape showed off the preliminary rocket boosters, and what looked like the beginning of a Flux Capacitor sat on a bed made of bicycle seats. One can only assume that Fiets is looking into the potential for wacky time-travel antics.

Campus Security and the Tulsa Police Department have issued a warrant for Fiets’ arrest.

Post Author: tucollegian

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