Twerk of the Year
There was a time when touchdown celebrations were the most fun thing about the NFL, the only time when the players could just release all that pent-up testosterone in the form of daintily flapping arm-wings, planet-smashing spikes or a tasteful cha-cha. In recent years, ever since the league instituted harsher penalties for “excessive celebration,” we’ve seen things toned down a bit, but last Monday in the Pittsburgh Steelers’ season-opener, star wide receiver Antonio Brown delivered a post-TD performance that is going straight into the Hall of Fame. It was simple, bold, elegant and above all bootilicious. You see, Brown twerked on live TV, pumping his butt up and down five times in an absolutely brilliant display of hip control and spunk. How has nobody done this before now? Is there a dance move that has been such a ubiquitous presence in our lives over the past couple years? You’d have thought that after Miley Cyrus delivered her “how-not-to-twerk” PSA at the 2013 VMAs, NFL players would be lining up to show America the proper way to make that booty pop. Instead, we had to wait three whole years for Minitron to make the leap. Here’s to hoping we’ll see some more of this, preferably from a 350 pound defensive lineman returning a fumble. Seeing Antonio Brown twerk is one thing, but Vince Wilfork? Now that would be game-changing.
Neymar of this Nonsense
If this twerking thing catches on in the NFL, maybe they can perform the move to the sweet melody of “Yo Necesito,” the new song released by Brazilian soccer star Neymar. Just kidding, I’m not sure I would ask my worst enemy to listen to this song, which ranks somewhere between a hungry cat and those old compost-able Sun Chips bags on the sliding scale of terrible sounds. Neymar might be one of the most talented footballers in the world but the dude needs to take some lessons if he ever wants to have a musical career. As things stand right now, he’s poised to follow in the footsteps of Shaq and Manny Pacquiao, legends in their respective sports who would probably rather you just forgot that they ever stepped foot behind a mic, thank you very much. Look guys, you’re good at what you do, so just stick to your lane. There’s no shame in admitting you’re not much of a musician. Even Good Will Hunting couldn’t play piano!
Tom Brady is without a doubt the greatest quarterback of all time, but he also plays for Bill Belichick, who might be the least loyal coach in history. The man simply has no time for sentimentality; either you’re a contributor or you’re given the axe. Now with Tom Terrific serving his four-game suspension for Deflategate, young protege Jimmy “Christopher Reeve” Garoppolo has a chance to prove his worth by starting the first quarter of the season. And suffice it to say that he got off to a fantastic start, throwing for 264 yards and displaying poise beyond his years in leading the Pats to a win on the road over favored Arizona. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for the guy, but there’s a fear that says maybe this crap suspension is Brady’s version of Drew Bledsoe’s famous hit from Mo Lewis. The turning point that ends the career of the franchise quarterback and ushers in the era of the square-jawed, better-looking young star. I’m on board with a Patriots future that includes Jimmy G, but count me on the side that wants to see Brady go out on top. I’ve only got so many childhood sports idols left, you know.