Photo of a blue light after the disco ball upgrades. Graphic by Madeline Woods

Blue emergency phones upgraded, now play 20 minutes of Kenny G

State-Run readers will be pleased to hear that much-needed changes have been made to the blue light emergency phones around campus.

In recent months, TU students have expressed certain complaints about the blue emergency phones, which appeared to not be working as well as they should have been.
Sophomore Kevin Green had a major grievance about the phones. “When I pressed the button one time last month, all I got was a ‘Your call cannot be completed as dialed’ message and a lame dial tone. Not only did my call not go through, the dial tone was NOT AT ALL funky and couldn’t even be used as the base for a sick freestyle,” he said.
Other students have echoed his concerns, saying that the dial tones are unpleasant and that they’d like something a little more “hip” and “interesting” to listen to while they wait for their call to go through.
“Like, if the phone doesn’t work it’s whatever, but I can’t sit there and listen to that dial tone. Would it kill them to throw in a Kanye verse or two?” said senior Alana Lewis. “Some of the phones don’t even make any sound at all when you press the button. Am I expected to just sit there in silence and, like, WORRY about the emergency I’m in while I wait for campus police to answer my call? I hate to say it, but TU really dropped the ball on this one,” she sighed.
The State-Run staff made a records request to the university concerning the apparent lack of funk in the emergency phones. We received no response for two months. During that time, maintenance workers were photographed frantically installing a disco ball into one of the phone posts.
Many will be relieved to hear that the complaints have been addressed and the phones have been fixed. TU released a statement proclaiming that every single phone on campus had been upgraded following the records request.
The blue emergency phones will now play 20 minutes of saxophonist extraordinaire Kenny G when the button is pressed. Some of the phones have also been upgraded with disco balls, and the blue lights are now programmed to flash in time with the music.
Thanks to the upgrades, TU students can relax and vibe freely to the dulcet tones of Kenny G as they wait for their calls to go through.
At press time, the university was considering further upgrading the emergency phones with a TV screen, enhancing the emergency experience by allowing students to watch music videos of the legendary saxophonist rocking out on an ocean pier at sunset.

Post Author: Hannah Kloppenburg