What world records will TU president Brad Carson seek next? What do students think?
It is no secret that University of Tulsa president Brad Carson enjoys a good pinstripe suit. He also enjoys spending money on Guinness World Records. [Editor’s note: I personally would prefer buying a Guiness for charity, but that is just me] After breaking the world record for the largest pizza party (by number of CS majors in attendance), an emboldened Carson turned to his next target: most stripes on a suit.
I briefly interviewed Carson, running behind his inexplicably fast golf cart. When asked about any symbolism behind the stripes: he just responded: “one stripe for each drone strike as United States Under Secretary of the Army” and sped off into the night.
When the official judges arrived on campus looking exhausted from all the flights in and out of Tulsa, Carson greeted them with a smile and a $14,000 balloon arrangement which two hours later had spread old latex all around the campus even more than the usual amount.
The ceremony started with a live performance by a country artist you have never heard of and a bunch of screaming student kiss-asses welcoming Carson to the stage, all of whom had attended the class Carson taught on terrorism in which he admitted that some of the war crimes may have been a mistake.
Once on the stage Carson explained how much he had improved the university by implementing the Brad Carson Method, which he explained was paying a lot of money for useless things which attract prospective CS students, instead of paying professors or making housing building up to code.
In order to count stripes, Carson invited all Presidential Scholars (under threat of blocking their scholarships), to come on stage and hand count each stripe on the suit. Once the final count of 500 per square inch had been confirmed, an army of food robots came on stage and started playing “Eye of the Tiger” at 140 decibels — another world record.
After interviewing a few students about the use of the budget for collecting Guinness World Records, the general consensus seemed to be of apathy. “If Harry Styles isn’t at Springfest, then I don’t really care about what Brad has to say.” Another student said, “I don’t care about anything Brad Carson does unless it centers around increasing the volume of free alcohol I receive per week.” “I will be marrying Harry and this would be a great way to meet him” one student exclaimed. The gaming lounge was abuzz with support for Carson’s use of money. A clearly unshowered man explained to me that “until Brad came to TU, no one was really listening to the wants and needs of the cis, white, straight, male gamers who do not shower.”
At press time a ravenous Brad Carson was eyeing the world record for lowest rate of pay for tenured professors, as well as the record for most people run over by food robots per square mile. Maybe this will be the thing needed to move TU up in the national college rankings.
