Breaking B(r)ad

An account of the breaking of the Guinness World Record for biggest pizza party by someone who has only heard about it

A few weeks ago, a monumental event occurred at the University of Tulsa. Campi all over are still gushing about it (finally we have a reason for other cool college kiddos to be jealous of TU!).

Students from every major, college, dorm, club and walk of life came to work together to achieve the long-sought-after prize: sweatshirts. If you ate enough pizza at the Men’s Basketball game Saturday Jan. 21, you would have received a free sweatshirt, appropriately earned by the sweat of your efforts.

Oh wait, I have just received news from the president Braddy Daddy himself that that was not the purpose of the event! My bad, I was under the impression that free clothing and free food were the only reasons TU students would go to a sporting event. I have decided to let Brad himself inform the people what the purpose of this event was. Brad?

Thank you Mary. The purpose of this fundraising event was to aid Make-A-Wish. And tonight, or rather, 22 nights ago, my wish has come true. I have put Tulsa on the map. I have cemented TU as an institution of prestige, finally having been recognized by the greatest indicator of success: The Guinness World Record Book (or so the kids tell me).

TU deserves this honor. The students work hard for their free food, turning up even when the homework piles up, the exams are imminent and their pockets cry out for their much-needed Paycom pay. I would like to especially honor the STEM majors, since they are the mascots of this fine university, despite not receiving the support they need. I would also like to thank the business majors for just existing, they are the light of the world. I would like to ignore the liberal arts students, except for the philosophy and religion students, who search for the actual light of the world (I will provide them with year-round Christmas lights for their journey, unless of course, they study in Chapman).

Make-A-Wish is a worthy cause and a good place to send money, and, as we all know, you must spend money to make money. I wanted to use up TU’s dollars for a worthy cause, and what better way to use them than to pay for pizza and fanfare, then make students who are already paying money eat them, so that I can then pay more money to Make-A-Wish. Is that not how charity works?

Thank you President Carson! I appreciate that insight to the Epic Pizza Party/Basketball Ball/Charity Bash from the 21st. You also looked stunning in that scarf and hat, it is nice to know you can wear something other than a three-piece suit.

You heard it here first folks, if you want to break a Guinness World Record, come to TU. It is our crowning achievement (please don’t ask about the Indian Law program). We are the STEM capital of Tulsa, for we know how to crunch the (pizza) numbers and gather data, though not how to gather students for sports events without dangling notoriety and free shit in front of them.

Post Author: Mary Lickona