Calls home skyrocket as freshmen reach “4-day limit” on underwear

Tulsa administration officials received calls from all the major cellular providers this past week with reports of unusually high volumes of calls to moms made from TU’s campus. The companies never explained how they knew these calls were intended for mothers but they assured us that this was a real phenomenon.
“We don’t have any information about the content of the call wink wink so you may want to look into this yourself,” one of the cell companies said in the call without explaining why they actually said “wink wink” over the phone.
The administration was clearly too busy doing…something probably, so they handed this job off to the Collegian, who passed on this juicy article because “it’s literally the worst idea for an article that we’ve ever heard.”
Because of this it once again falls to the State-Run Media to cover the important stories that you, the readers, care about.
The State-Run started questioning students across campus about the last time they called their mother. Frankly the State-Run is disgusted. These people gave birth to you, you can at least check in to tell them you’re not dead.
Our reporters started hitting paydirt when they questioned students in Fisher South. Almost everyone in Fisher South had called their mother within the past week. The only exceptions to this trend were the RAs. After some probing questions it became apparent that all the freshmen residents had called their mothers last week asking how to do laundry.
Now you might be wondering, as our field reporters were, why so many freshmen are just now having to do laundry for the first time. This is when the “4-day rule” was brought up.
Apparently there is a idea running around the freshman class that underwear can be worn four times before it needs to be washed. “Yeah you wear it forwards, backwards and then inside out forwards and backwards. That’s four days worth of underwear.” said Brian Lazz, a freshman who was apparently not embarrassed enough to make us omit his name.
While underwear has the “4-day rule” other forms of clothing, according to freshman, can be worn for even longer. Shirts are being worn for over a week, and some freshman claim to having worn the same pair of pants for a month. One freshman told reporters that she had been wearing the same bra since August.
“We tried to deal with this issue weeks ago,” said Fisher South RA Jamie Stanton, “we had an informational session, ‘How to do laundry,’ but nobody came. We had free pizza. It wasn’t even Mazzios!”
“Yeah I heard about the laundry session but I figured I had everything under control,” said Lazz
“I’m just glad this whole thing worked itself out and that I can finally breath freely… metaphorically and literally.” said Stanton “Hopefully they’ll start doing their laundry more often.”
At press time the freshman dorm smells significantly better than it did just a few weeks ago, much to the relief of the RAs.

Post Author: Adam Lux