The TU campus cats are not happy with the negative publicity the movie “Cats” has brought them. graphic by Emma Palmer

Campus cats at record low popularity

Some TU students just can’t seem to handle the sexiness of these cats.

The polls are in, and the results are harrowing.

For the first time in 70 years, the approval rating of TU’s campus cats has dropped below 33 percent. Given the outlier’s coincidence with the release of Disney’s “Cats,” theorists are attributing the drop in popularity to the off-putting sexiness of the film’s demonic CGI felines.

It makes sense; the movie was both a box-office and critical failure, although it did find massive success in certain regions of the internet that shall not be named. Not to mention that there does not seem to be many other cat-related cataclysms in public consciousness right now.

The last time the little denizens of TU were doing this poorly in the polls, it was 1950 and they had just failed at an attempted coup against the University’s administration. Ever since the uprising, cats and humans have lived in respectful harmony with one another. Until now.

A cat hailing from the McFarlin steps, Tom E. Cat, gave his opinion on the matter:

“This is how those two missionaries that run around here probably felt when the ‘Book of Mormon’ musical was released. It’s a little awkward to be a cat right now.”

He then went on to proclaim that this was an inaccurate portrayal of his kind.

“Does anyone else realize that those things have breasts? Human breasts? What kind of hell-spawned cat has human breasts?” demanded Cat.

A cat from Brown apartments, Cali Caux shared a similar opinion on the matter:

“Does anyone else realize the cats in the film are wearing fur coats,” said Caux, “Do we make movies about humans wearing each other’s skins? No!”

She went on to explain how the film’s misrepresentation elucidates everything that’s wrong with society today:

“There’s just no appreciation in society anymore for cats. It’s really sad, but that’s just the way things are nowadays.”

But the sheer terror caused by the demonic creatures in “Cats” has left students feeling threatened by sharing a campus with the little monsters. In response, SA has formed a coalition called the Defensive Operation for Good Students or D.O.G.S.

Currently the group has played into the low popularity of the cats by hanging posters around TU with information on meeting times and how to join their operation.

But support for D.O.G.S. is not unanimous. Feeling threatened, a subgroup from the opposite side of things has now formed.

In defense of both campus cats and the film, some students have formed the Feline Underground Retribution and Reconciliation Initiative for Everyone’s Stability or F.U.R.R.I.E.S.

This group has organized various activities that have mostly involved attempted imitation of the campus cats in order to better understand them and their point of view.

As tensions rise since the release of the opinion polls, a real hairball of a situation looms over the school. The infighting has grabbed TU by the whiskers and until the warring clans find a way to retract their claws, campus is going to be a real litter box.

Post Author: Brennen Gray