Possible uses for now defunct Kendall Hall

There are many different options for what to do with Kendall Hall, but which option is the best? Unless you are horrifically unobservant, you most certainly heard that The University of Tulsa cut the theater degree program, and this year, the doors to Kendall Hall have been permanently closed. Well, except for TUTV; for anything […]

Professors ask students to tip for their services

Professors ask students to tip after lectures and grading exams because they obviously don’t get paid enough. If you ask the students of TU — or any student anywhere — if professors have it tough, they will say no. However, professors have been silently struggling against skyrocketing inflation and dropping student engagement. TU professors have […]

Rabid lawn Roombas out for blood

The lawn Roombas get a taste for blood. Administration doesn’t care, but what else is new? In August, TU bought two oversized Roombas to mow the grass in the Old U. They were quickly deemed harmless by everyone except the obsessive-compulsive students on campus, who were horrified when they looked upon the vast green and […]

Queen’s death jarring for U.S. politicians

Numerous governmental officials in the United States have begun acting upon impulse in a moment paralysing the U.K. Article republished with permission of The Telegraph. In wake of her majesty’s passing, many American politicians have felt the reality of their own potential demise. Efforts therein have grown split between attempts to prolong further the unholy […]

Sororities pledge to better support brunettxs

TU Panhellenic Council pledges to work towards a future with more hair color diversity, frats protest. Ever working towards a progressive future, the Notorious RBG-pin-wearing chairwoman of the Panhellenic council made a public statement on the trajectory of future sorority demographic makeups. Her speech highlighted that “it’s not the hair color that matters, it’s whether […]

Okay, but which religion is right?

First-year student getting confused as to which campus ministry group they need to join to avoid eternal damnation. Picture this: walking by yourself, minding your own goddamn business, trying to walk to the Allen Chapman Student Union when suddenly, a saint appears. This delegate of all that is holy pronounces: “Do you want the smallest […]

Student guide to using crystals the right way

Local crystal girl shares her expertise because your aura is seriously fucked up. If you’re looking for love this semester, ditch Tinder and stop stalking coffee shop patrons. You’ve “accidentally” spilled scalding hot coffee on enough people and are running out of coffee shops that you aren’t banned from. Just keep some rose quartz in […]

Best and worst study spots on campus

As the esteemed satire editor at The Collegian, I would like to welcome all first-year students to our quirky little campus. I know you all will make the university and your parents proud — that is if you are a CS major who ends up working for a military contractor, otherwise they will be most […]

W!!! Now THIS is content for the University of Tulsa’s newspaper!! Hello, sailor!!! Graphic lovingly by Anna Johns

Talks of remodeling Kendall Hall stirs Phantom of the Opera homing crisis—oh, and… He’s shirtless?

Guess what? I’m doing it, and you can’t stop me! What are you going to do? Pry the Phantom of the Opera off my shoulders and make him stop giving me a deep tissue body massage? You can’t! His hands are lotioned! For a year, I have begged and pleaded with my so-called benevolent fellow […]