Come get your horoscope! Aries – Eek! Blasted warlock sentenced you to the Dream Realm; the purple haze and its…
‘Phantom feces’ case remains unsolved
Most fecal matter in doggie doo station on campus are from a single, unlocated northern white rhino. On Sept. 18,…
Horoscopes
Aries: As a masochist, you will be very aroused this week. Take that as you will. Taurus: This week will…
You’re still struggling? Jesus fucking Christ ….
TU administration assures students their mental health is definitely totally 100% a priority for someone. The question of how student…
“Dear Evan Hansen” teaches local man to weaponize mental illness
The film preaches many moral messages, but best of all, it teaches how to up your manipulation game. Broadway sensation…
TU Administration shrugs off COVID-19 concerns
Amidst the spread of the contagious Delta variant, TU offers advice to older professors teaching in-person classes: “Ah, well. Good…
TU replaces Blue Light Phones with epic prank
Does this make you ragequit, Batman? Once passive, unspoken guardians of the campus, the Blue Light Phones have been drastically…
Hurricane Heartbreak: counteracting breakups with EX-orcisms
This week’s weekly email from TU attempts to tackle breakups and shares healthy ways for students to overcome heartache and…
Horoscopes
Read your horoscope from State-Run Aries — Ma called asking for you again. Her typically honeyed tone was noticeably somber…
Freshman horror story: assigned roommate is thirteenth-century monk
Incoming freshman learns to adapt to the self-flaggelating medieval man sleeping on the other bunk. The beginning of this fall…