Witnesses report hearing Cruz ask if VSCO girl jokes re still relevant. graphic by Emma Palmer

Ted Cruz desperate for friends, rebrands for Gen Z

It’s no secret that Texas Senator Ted Cruz is a very unpopular man. In the wake of the attempted coup of the U.S. Capitol, public ire towards him has increased tenfold, as he brazenly amplified voter fraud claims that led to the insurrection. Hated by other senators, representatives and the American public alike, the general […]

Wow, hottie with a body! Wait, you’re telling me he’s WOKE too? graphic by Anna Johns

Heartwarming: frat house tries to learn feminist theory

Last semester, frat house Alpha Smegma Chi found itself fighting controversy after all of their pledges tested positive for COVID-19. TU’s COVID-19 contact tracing team located its source: the balls of Stephen Bolt, a junior business major. “It was all a bit of fun,” Bolt explained. “The new guys just had to suck my balls […]

COVID's all bark and no bite. graphic by Emma Palmer

Goldie trained to detect COVID

With the winter season in tow, the University of Tulsa continues its hypervigilance in catching and preventing the spread of COVID-19 on campus. Returning students are required to take a COVID-19 test, and, phew, the Board truly underestimated how much tests cost. We have been honest with our students regarding our deficit and money hemorrhaged. […]

This dutiful husband’s hitting the sack tonight. Jealous? graphic by Emma Palmer

Gimp suit sales on the rise after CDC advice for COVID-safe sex

It’s hardly a secret that the coronavirus has seriously hurt any chances of a healthy sex life for single people. The clubs are closed, and the dating pool shrinks every day. Plus, there’s the omnipresent fear of contagion lurking in every corner, stiff and menacing, a mood-killing reaper that effectively destroys any boner. Condoms are […]

Voter Disenfranchisement: Reps vs. Dems

Many people believe that their vote doesn’t matter. “They’re right of course,” said Sara Serrano, very hip TU republican. “The Man’s trying to get you to spend all day making a line to cast your ballot for a rigged system. Wake up and smell the corruption, sheeple. Everyone in power’s gonna stay in power, so […]

Local grocery chain forced to sell

For all of those foreign to the great state of Oklahoma and the immaculate seat of the gods known as Tulsa, the grocery store chain Reasor’s might call forth nothing, but to the natives of this large graveyard, Reasor’s was the place you went when Wal-Mart didn’t have what you were looking for, when you […]

Doctors worry Trump may have infected Biden during the debate, point to hot makeout session as source.

Everyone who sat through the first presidential debate last Tuesday can agree that tensions between the candidates were incredibly high. The two men bit and tore into each other like animals, interrupting, name-calling and turning the debate into more of a cat fight than a serious discussion of policy. Of course, with the recent diagnosis […]

Who’s that new student on campus?

We all know that the University of Tulsa’s budget leaves much to be desired. The major well of wealth for the university, wealthy foreign students who do not benefit from scholarships and financial aid, has dried up, and now the administration and board must search for alternative sources of funding or new groups of students […]

Courtesy of TU Collegian, Ms. Emily Every

The Game is afoot at TU, and the stakes are high!

“Levit, lead pipe, Lorton.” “Which Lorton?” “Uhh, Lorton Hall.” “Oh please. Cease your endless nattering and look at this.” A shuffling of papers, individuals peeking at important and frustrating alibis, weapons and locations — these were the noises of a criminal investigation, though these sleuths held no formal training and no real office. However, the […]

Courtesy of Getty Images

Waving flags for a different reason

Have you ever wanted to argue with a stranger? Perhaps one of your neighbors is attempting to call down the ghost of Nero with their enlightened debauchery, or smoking enough ganja to emulate the great witches’ cauldrons of the past, but how does one communicate these feelings of anger and rage without knowing their phone […]