Donald “The Duck Face” Trump on our new electoral swiping system. graphic by Conner Maggio

Presidential election: voting done right — Tinder style

You’ll never guess why the 2020 race will be more eventful and steamy than previous elections! After 231 years, the government has decided the old system for electing a president was outdated (finally). No more of that silly plurality voting based on states and an outdated system of electors. That’s for the past. The government […]

As the government falls apart, citizens man battleships, the Statue of Liberty is spray painted and Niagara Falls is full of suds. graphic by Conner Maggio

10 things to try this government shutdown

With the government closed, laws no longer apply. Take advantage with this list of things you’ve always wanted to do. Trump has shut down the government. Now that the feds are dead, state laws are going to come next, followed by local. Behold the New World Order. And since anarchy has finally, by God’s will, […]

Campus Crime Watch

Jan. 7 4:20 a.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the roof of McFarlin Library to deal with a strange smell. Nearing the roof, the officers reported hearing Pink Floyd increasing in volume. The officers found two students sitting down who looked to be fine. The officers stayed with them to make […]

Poser Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dancing at The Wiggles concert. graphic by Conner Maggio

Ocasio-Cortez caught sinning in newest tweet

This newcomer to the political arena goes viral for all the wrong reasons. How will she recover? Newly elected and recently controversial, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez keeps stirring up drama through her continued existence. A lone Twitter user with an anime icon alleged that AOC wore a “Wiggles” t-shirt to a Wiggles concert when she was nine […]

graphic by Conner Maggio

Move out of the way Ned, there’s a new survival guide in town.

College can be a confusing and emotionally-draining experience, especially for a freshman fresh from mommy and daddy’s nest. In the real world of “adults,” freshmen are mere minnows in an ocean of rambunctious athletes, underrated art majors, impossible professors, screwed up relationships and lack of sleep to the point of becoming the walking dead. On […]

Betsy DeVos ends syllabus day

Our Secretary of Education decided to throw out syllabuses in favor of innovation. Throw away your syllabi. This is America, you li’l pipsqueaks. Yeah, you heard me right, you Tik-Tok watching procrastinator. I called you a pipsqueak, and you’re going to listen to me. Why? Because Betsy DeVos has created a new law punishable by […]

Cousin Shapiro and Grandaddy Sanders having a polite political conversation over mashed potatoes. graphic by Conner Maggio

How to make Thanksgiving dinner the calmest ever

Don’t worry about upsetting the relatives again with these hot tips. Fall Break is right around the corner, and with it comes everyone’s favorite meal: Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone knows that Thanksgiving can be a bit of a minefield, so I have a few tips that will help keep your supper as calm and pleasant as […]

Three midterm madness results

Interesting developments in the midterm election results from last week, including a dead candidate winning and a gentlemen’s duel. The 2018 midterm elections took place last Tuesday, Nov. 6, and while some votes have yet to be counted, the results are more or less in. As expected, the Democrats took the majority in the House […]

Tinder Pay: for those who already use it for prostitution

Tinder creates a new pay feature, a hybrid of its current app, Uber and PayPal, where you can reimburse people for “gas.” Ever since its fateful release on Sept. 12, 2012, Tinder has become a fallback for pleasure-seekers and romantics alike who do not want to meet people in real life. Men make up the […]

The mastermind behind some of the fan favorites of the Hogue’s new gallery. graphic by Conner Maggio

Masterpiece or mockery?

After three weeks of appreciation, the legitimacy of the prestigious new TU exhibit comes into question. After the Alexander Hogue Gallery’s newest exhibit, titled “A Journey Through Time,” opened recently, the gallery staff noticed a mix-up. The exhibit was meant to be a survey of some of the hallmarks of art history, from the brushstrokes […]