Photo of Carter going 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds. Graphic by Conner Maggio

TU student pulled over by Campo for speeding on wheelchair

TU student Margret Carter got out of a speeding ticket by having a wheelie contest with the officer who pulled her over. Carter said she was talking to her engineering student friends when she told them about her disappointing wheelchair specs. “It was such a disheartening moment,” said Carter’s friend and ENS student Rory Bolt. […]

Photo of the underground speakeasy run by Campus Security. Graphic by Conner Maggio

On-campus speakeasy run by Campo

The more alcohol the better, say undercover Campus Security officers. All names have been changed to protect the identities and location of the participants. Slowly, we wind our way down the tucked-away stairs in a crevice of Kniz Hall. Leading me, I have Sam, a Campus Security Officer, First-Class. His pomaded hair skims the ceiling […]

Trump bans “here’s how Bernie can still win” memes

In the wake of his divisive executive order, Trump himself could face jail time for making Bernie memes. “I’m not sure if I’m happy or infuriated,” said former Senator, First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “Like, it’s definitely a violation of freedom of speech, but also it validates my personal feelings of pain […]

Promotional graphic for the much anticipated Trump vs Un fight. Graphic by Madeline Woods

Trump and Kim Jong Un to settle differences in cage match

The two beloved politicians will settle their disputes like men next week. After much deliberation, world leaders have decided that Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump will fight in a cage-match. Both parties agreed to conduct the match during their diplomatic talks about nuclear disarmament. “I mean, even if neither of them dies, at least […]

Russian dopers caught curling

The elite junkies were seen illegally playing a sport. The Russian Doping Team found themselves amid Olympics-related controversy for the third time this decade. Last year, several dopers were caught playing Olympic sports. Officials caught two of their most elite junkies giggling down a luge run. “I just love rainbow road, man,” said professional doper […]

The Void presents: Sexy ways to die, rated

Let’s face it, death is hot. Our readers sent in ways of dying, and I, a person who is truly dead on the inside, rated these methods on how hot I feel each method is. “Death by midterms.” Relatable, but not sexy enough. C-/10 “He ran into my knife. He ran into my knife 10 […]

Former Trump aide indicted for Tupac’s murder

Head of Ukrainian Relations Sasha Popov now faces life in prison for crimes against hip hop. Sunday, March 4, special counsel Robert Mueller finally indicted former Trump aide, Sasha “Face Shooter” Popov, on at least a dozen charges, most notably being the killing of Tupac “Tupac” Shakur. Popov, who was traced to Las Vegas on […]

Trump deepfaked onto Ron Jeremy’s luscious body. Graphic by Conner Maggio

Trump blames deepfakes for all of ‘his’ inflammatory comments

The world feels sympathy for Trump, who says #MeToo when it comes to deepfakes. In the wake of the deepfake crisis, Donald Trump is now claiming that every controversial comment that people have quoted him on has in fact been the work of deepfake fabricators. Deepfakes are videos that feature realistic face-swaps, usually celebrities’ faces […]

A TU ENS student completely confused by art. Graphic by Madeline Woods

Art major tired of explaining what art is to ENS majors

State-Run writer presents her method for explaining art to engineering students. As someone who is bi-collegiate in the ENS and A&S college, not a day goes by where an engineering student doesn’t question my existence. Just yesterday, when I mentioned how I am also in the Arts and Science College, a classmate, Clark Johnson, remarked, […]