The TU campus cats are not happy with the negative publicity the movie “Cats” has brought them. graphic by Emma Palmer

Campus cats at record low popularity

Some TU students just can’t seem to handle the sexiness of these cats. The polls are in, and the results are harrowing. For the first time in 70 years, the approval rating of TU’s campus cats has dropped below 33 percent. Given the outlier’s coincidence with the release of Disney’s “Cats,” theorists are attributing the […]

Without their phones, gym employees are forced to make conversation. graphic by Emma Palmer

Collins Fitness Center churns out charismatic co-eds

See? You’d be charming too if you weren’t on your damn phone all day. The Collins Fitness Center staff here on TU campus are reporting increased levels of charisma after working entire shifts without access to their phones. Student Services revealed this inexplicable statistic after a recent survey of work-study students. One gym staffer, who […]

Horoscopes

Now that you’re a semester into the year and fresh off the high of failing all your finals, you’re probably wondering why you’re still in your major. We at The State Run Media have found a solution! Make smarter decisions in 2020 and choose a new major based on your zodiac sign. Aries — Marketing […]

Clancy sought to stack the vote with his dark magic. graphic by Emma Palmer

Gerard Clancy and Rattus rattus

Intrepid journalist Anna Johns and Adam Walsh (the other one) uncover the cheesy truth behind the no confidence vote last Thursday. Upon last week’s discovery of Doctor Geronimo Clancy using hangman chalkings to steal his students’ souls, possessed by the Great Old One Azathoth, we, the intrepid duo of Anna Johns and the other one, […]

We know it’s only November: leave us alone. graphic by Emma Palmer

Christmas gift tips for all your relatives

For all those tricky family members you’ve never actually met. As the semester winds down and the holiday music in malls ramps up, Christmas shopping lists (and prices) are starting to be tallied. Besides the normal gifts (socks for grandpa, gift card for Aunt Susan, etc.), your parents have probably started to dictate some additional […]

One grande latte, hold the bureaucracy

A simple question leaves me cutting through a jungle of red tape. I’m nearly there, dear reader. Answers are hard to come by in this present climate. I never expected this journey to be easy, but I also never thought I’d change so much along the way. Monday morning. The McFarlin cafe. Two dollars and […]