Kendall Hall, home of various TU artistic programs, is scheduled to be destroyed soon. graphic by Emma Palmer

TU founds e-sports team

The University of Tulsa consoles art students with promises of big e-sports wins. In these worrying times — with winds of change intangible and yet inexorably smothering — comfort and reassurance are crucial. TU administration understands the uncertainty its students are feeling right now in the sudden wake of the True Commitment initiative. They see […]

All students of the PSC must take on superhero alter egos. graphic by Emma Palmer

A guide to life in the new Professional Super College

Big changes are coming to TU; here’s how to fit in with your new college. On Thursday, Dr. Clancy announced the University of Tulsa’s True Commitment, a plan that led to budget cuts and consolidations all around. There were many changes that were released, but the one that has most students scratching their heads is […]

Letter from the propagandist

To whom it may concern, I have served you well during my time as the head propagandist. After months of tireless dedication to the truth, I am writing this letter to let the public know of my resignation. The State has done me well, but there are bigger, better, less government-sanctioned things for me to […]

The Troy smart speaker, sponsored by Monster Energy, has already helped countless men — just like you — get laid. graphic by Conner Maggio

Artificial intelligence: now just for straight men

Meet Troy, the brand new mansplaining smart speaker, man’s best friend and wingman. After a long night of bar hopping, flirting and flexing your way across town, you’ve finally brought a suitable conquest home with you. You’ve wined her, dined her. Things are getting hot and heavy — she’s taken off her jacket —but she […]

Mark “Allegra” Johnson using his cable news program to push his agenda. photo by Conner Maggio

Inactive politicians thrown out of legislature

A quirk in the law gives citizens the power to kick out politicians who don’t serve the people. For once, it seems that lawyers have actually been useful. Without them, Oklahomans never would have found this quirk in the wording of the law. When voters heard about the massive inactive voter purge happening in a […]

1: Reduce stress by reducing classes

By consolidating majors into five categories, students can avoid the stress of planning courses. I know I’m not alone in being overwhelmed when trying to pick out classes for next year. Fluid mechanics, partial differential equations, energy conversion, the science of whatever nonsense is currently profitable, etc; it’s a lot to look at, and I […]

If TU implements these new changes, this could be you two days sooner. graphic by Conner Maggio

#3: Decrease semester length by removing reading days

Procrastinate no more by killing dead days and taking finals immediately. Everyone knows about the Tuesday and Wednesday after the last day of classes. Some call them “reading days,” others “dead days,” but everyone knows them as a time to mess around, hang out with friends and procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate. No one really does work, […]

The new proposed aquatic ambassador in her natural habitat. graphic by Conner Maggio

#4: Replace Goldie the golden retriever with Goldie the goldfish

You can’t pet this new pet ambassador. Goldie: golden retriever, certified good doggo and TU canine ambassador. But should she keep that job? I will concede that you’d be hard pressed to find someone on campus who dislikes her, and the prospect of firing a dog is basically begging for society to hate you. But […]

Goldie slays sleepy students in the “Hunger Games” therapy group. graphic by Conner Maggio

#5: Create more YA therapy groups

Head back to the excitement of your childhood by joining therapy groups based on popular dystopian YA novels. Let’s make more YA (young adult) novel-themed therapy groups. Bring on the love triangles, dystopian societies and identity-based factions! Admittedly, the “Harry Potter”-themed group therapy idea was brilliant, and the positive effects it had on students should […]