New advertising flaunts the store’s inclusive reputation. graphic by Conner Maggio

“Ye Olde” racism absent from historical store

People flock to this unique antique store that only sells progressive historical items. An antique store by the name of Ye Olde Shoppe in Chattanooga, Tennessee, has been found to not carry a single racist product. While many Americans won’t care, since it is acceptable for antique shops to have racist merchandise in this country, […]

Students in drag racing past McFarlin Library in the most fashionable protest on campus. graphic by Conner Maggio

Drag race protest tries to sway campus minds

After a controversial rule outlawed drag racing and engine revving, people switched to a new form of protest. Let’s face it — everyone on campus knew it was coming. Maybe no one was expecting this kind of drag race, but with all the frustration on campus, something was bound to happen. It all started when […]

Teacher shortage solved by turning to students

With teachers leaving the profession across the nation, local schools find an alternative way for students to get their education. On Friday, March 9, the announcement was made to resounding applause. Oklahoma students are going to have the best student-to-teacher ratio in the nation: 1:0. Dubbed an unprecedented, unconventional turn in the already sporadic timeline […]

New movie poster for a documentary about the Tulsa Driller and his recent kills. graphic by Conner Maggio

Tulsa Driller sealed away for our safety

Oral Roberts clerics preserve Tulsa’s shrine to the oil business for another 1,000 years. The Demon Driller, after a difficult battle waged by level 20 clerics from Oral Roberts University, has been sealed inside the massive landmark of Expo Square known as The Tulsa Golden Driller yet again. Tulsa is now safe from the unmatched […]

The last movie for Disney is expected to be a live action “Bambi” that features furries because of budget cuts. graphic by Conner Maggio

Disney Studios runs out of live actions and remakes, bankrupts

Disney’s new motto: original new ideas, who dat? I should have seen it coming. As evidenced by the new live action “Mulan,” “Aladdin” and “Dumbo” movies, to “Toy Story 4” and “Frozen 2,” Disney has run out of new ideas. While there are still a few more animated movies they could make into live-action films […]

Opinionated politicians team up, form punk rock band

After years of criticism, four female politicians reclaim their shrillness and monetize it. Although we’re only months into the new year, the entire nation already seems fixated on the 2020 presidential race. And who can blame it? With politicians announcing election bids every other day and media members already making predictions, the one question on […]

Horny Siri has turned to suggesting some questionable sightseeing destinations. graphic by Conner Maggio

Siri 2.0: she’s back and thirstier than ever before

After years of sexual comments exchanged over iPhones, the AI finally adapted. For me, it started with a simple autocorrect. I was writing about how much I loved ducks when suddenly I was talking about how much I loved fucks. It was a bizarre moment, sure, but maybe my phone had finally figured out that […]

An international volleyball game takes place at the U.S.-Mexico border. graphic by Conner Maggio

Alternate uses for the new border wall

The wall is going to be “effective,” but not for the reasons Trump is promising. At long last, with a national emergency issued, Trump’s prized border wall might become a reality. Many critics of the wall dislike it not just because they like immigration, but because they don’t think it will be effective. However, it’s […]

“Real Girls” campaign does not include real girls

A lingerie company boasting about their fight against gender expectations has skeletons in their closet. The battle for women’s body images is finally being taken to corporate America. Companies everywhere are rebranding in a body positive manner. The last few years have seen victory after victory over the unreal expectations flaunted by media portrayals of […]

If you aren’t careful, these tombstones found on the New U might be your own. graphic by Conner Maggio

Ten normal things that mean you are dying

Hypochondriacs have the right idea: be wary of these 10 things that mean you’re a goner. With the flu season and our first round of midterms coming up, it is important to pay attention to your wellbeing. Hopefully by the time you read this, you’ll recognize these common symptoms that would very well signify your […]