After years of mindlessly swiping and scrolling through dating apps, I have surely seen the talent pool this side of the Mississippi has to offer: men with fish, men with guns and men with God (not pictured, but, like, there’s a cross somewhere). At this point, the flirtations are stale, and my travels into the […]
Category: State-Run
Ever Given releases apology video for being stuck in the Suez Canal
On Wednesday, disaster in the world of international trading struck: one of the largest container ships in the world (and therefore one of the most popular container ships) was grounded in the Suez Canal, causing a huge jam of trading vessels. At the time of writing, the reported monetary damage is $55 billion. Understandably, the […]
Oh, Phew: TikTok cult assures audience they are not a cult
For the past few weeks, TikTok has been oversaturated with posts revolving around a Kentucky commune: brandished Eden, the self-sustaining group has 50 members of varying odors, and they’re actively looking for people to join. With the address of the commune listed in their profile, the account thegardenfrees posts regular TikToks showing day-to-day life. These […]
Big News: Sunlight Cures Depression
Ladies and gents, I have reached a most stunning conclusion this past weekend: depression does not exist! I stepped outside the other day into the warming sunlight and felt a most peculiar sensation. Hope? Joy? Happiness? I’m not quite sure, but it certainly felt good, much better than I’d felt in a long time. I […]
Five tips to deal psychic damage to your congressman
American elected officials are ideally supposed to listen to their constituents’ voices and reflect their public’s political desires. In any rudimentary government class, a citizen is taught to directly contact their representatives and congresspeople to share their positions on legislation; it is one’s first amendment rights, of course, and the best way to bolster democracy […]
Hurricane Spotlight: here are the impious, rowdy trolls who guard McFarlin from COVID-19
With vaccinations rising and cases of COVID-19 falling, commuter and on-campus students alike feel more comfortable hanging around campus; with guidelines followed, more people lounge about the Old and New U, ACAC is slowly refilling and the imported Norwegian trolls have taken guardianship of the McFarlin Library. Named Gogmagog the Insipid and Jötnar the Rock […]
So Scary: TU has been besieged TU finds itself in shambles in the by Ancient Rome!
The week was shaping up to be quiet for TU; midterms were on the mind, weather was in flux and the Caf continued to try its best. On Monday evening, everything changed with the arrival of a round structure that seemed to block the entrance to Chapman Hall. The mysterious object towered over everyone, but […]
McFarlin Ghost Tour delivers its promise of fright
Last Thursday, McFarlin Library hosted a ghost tour that promised the exploration of the haunted upper library floors. TU students registered for the event, expecting to hear rudimentary ghost stories and learn the lore surrounding the library on campus. Things were relatively normal. The librarian explained the history of the floor and quipped about being […]
Missed Connections: Seeking philosophy major hottie
We were in class via Collaborate. The subject was history, but it might as well have been chemistry! You’ve talked before, usually to rephrase an already-expressed opinion on our reading, and I never thought much of you. You were one of the few to have your camera on in class, an act that denotes virility […]
Ted Cruz desperate for friends, rebrands for Gen Z
It’s no secret that Texas Senator Ted Cruz is a very unpopular man. In the wake of the attempted coup of the U.S. Capitol, public ire towards him has increased tenfold, as he brazenly amplified voter fraud claims that led to the insurrection. Hated by other senators, representatives and the American public alike, the general […]