Doomsday Clock overlooks daylight savings

Drunken scientists forgot to turn the clock back an hour; turns out everything’s okay! On Jan. 23, 2020, it was announced that the Doomsday Clock, a symbol of humanity’s ever-shrinking embrace with extinction, had been moved to 100 seconds to midnight. Reporters say at the time of that announcement, millions of people across the world […]

You’ve activated his trap card! graphic by Emma Palmer

Murderer plays Trump Card, charges dropped

Hans Johnson walked free after convincing the judge to ignore witnesses. Hope came to Tulsa last week in the murder trial of Hans Johnson. Johnson, who was arrested in December after he stole a newscaster’s microphone to proclaim that “[he] definitely killed three people, why yes sir,” is currently on trial for a completely different […]

TU’s smoke signals are losing effectiveness. graphic by Emma Palmer

Signals from admin up in smoke

Honestly, only the pope should smoke. In the wake of Clancy temporarily stepping down as president of the University of Tulsa citing health concerns, the student body of the university was left in the dark. But this wasn’t on purpose. After further investigation, it became clear to me that there was an obvious miscommunication. Somehow […]

Her power only grows stronger ... graphic by Collegian staff

Letter from the Propagandist

My dearest loyal subjects (of voting age), It is my great pleasure to announce the State-Run Media’s 2020 presidential endorsement. After much careful consideration and brutal deliberation, I have decided to endorse none other than our own TU Provost, Vice President of Academic Affairs and Interim President Janet Levit for President (of the United States). […]

The TU campus cats are not happy with the negative publicity the movie “Cats” has brought them. graphic by Emma Palmer

Campus cats at record low popularity

Some TU students just can’t seem to handle the sexiness of these cats. The polls are in, and the results are harrowing. For the first time in 70 years, the approval rating of TU’s campus cats has dropped below 33 percent. Given the outlier’s coincidence with the release of Disney’s “Cats,” theorists are attributing the […]

Without their phones, gym employees are forced to make conversation. graphic by Emma Palmer

Collins Fitness Center churns out charismatic co-eds

See? You’d be charming too if you weren’t on your damn phone all day. The Collins Fitness Center staff here on TU campus are reporting increased levels of charisma after working entire shifts without access to their phones. Student Services revealed this inexplicable statistic after a recent survey of work-study students. One gym staffer, who […]