Woody Nelson playing a benefit concert for the weed cause during Springfest. graphic by Conner Maggio

Trailblazing Clancy’s New Green Deal

The administration is working toward floating its own New Green Deal, and it’s a bit smokey. There have been whisperings on campus about a new policy. President Clancy and the rest of the Board of Trustees have been slowly preparing everyone. They’ve been gaining support, having backroom dealings with deans and shaking more than a […]

Where is all this bigotry coming from?

Prejudice died decades ago, yet here we are, in the midst of a Racism Renaissance. Since everyone knows that racism totally ended when Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. marched on Washington in 1963, modern Americans are baffled as to where all this current racism is coming from. Just look at the country. Mexicans are apparently […]

The feud between SquarePants and Scott heated up when it took to Instagram. graphic by Conner Maggio

SpongeBob escalates beef with Travis Scott

The Super Bowl sparked a battle between the famous rapper and the fictional character over who deserved to play the halftime show. It was Tupac versus Biggie Smalls. It was Nicki versus Cardi B, and Kim K versus Taylor Swift. It was Meek Mill versus Drake, Pusha T versus Drake and Tyga versus Drake. SpongeBob […]

TU Copy-spiracy: where’s the money coming from?

Don’t believe the rumors. Don’t be spoon-fed lies. This is what really happened to TU Copy. It’s cold, but I’m safe. I’ve outrun their flashlight beams, slinking through shadows to escape to this dark, deserted spot deep in the bowels of Keplinger. It’s cold, but I’m safe. For now. I have maybe three sheets of […]

Bud-dies Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre being classy up high in the mountains. graphic by Conner Maggio

5 songs that are definitely not about weed

People take things too literally these days. Just because lyrics say the word weed doesn’t mean the song is about it. 1. “Weed Song” by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony – Definitely not about weed. Consider the lyrics, “Smoke another blunt, roll another up,” as the metaphor that they are. “Smoke” refers to vaporizing objects and ideals to […]

Ayn Rand becomes a Trumpie to support his move to close the country. graphic by Conner Maggio

Libertarian proposal: keep the government shut down

As the government finally reopens, a new group is calling for an indefinite shutdown. The longest government shutdown in history is over. After 35 days, the United States government has reopened its doors to lawmakers and federal employees everywhere. While the government is open for now, it is only funded until Feb. 15 and, with […]

South finally learns what a condom is, lowers birth rate

The South discovered that teaching people is important and started with sex education, which lowered the national birth rate. As 2019 begins to roar its head, statisticians look to last year. Their focus this time: the birth rate. That’s right — everyone and their brother is concerned about how many kiddos a woman is popping […]

Latest cutting-edge hipster trend: Razor scooters. graphic by Conner Maggio

Analog scooters scoot to popularity on campus

Students ride out the scooter phase the hipster way. Limes. Birds. Whatever model you prefer, there’s no denying the fact that these two-wheeled wonders have been quick to scoot into the hearts of people all across TU’s campus. Gone are the days of self-propulsion (I’m looking at you, calves) when all it takes to make […]

Cops surround a local Olive Garden as Brad Stix tries to get away. graphic by Conner Maggio

Largest drug bust of 2019 at… Olive Garden??

The unlimited soup and salad deal is in fact too good to be true. Have you wondered why your meals at Olive Garden have recently become so prohibitively expensive, even though you only ordered a salad and a water? Turns out you have been chowing down on illegal drugs disguised as olive oil and leafy […]

Brennen’s bangin’ baking bench: college edition

Move aside Mary Berry, millennial cooking is here to stay. Since the millennials and gen Z’ers apparently exaggerate the financial impossibility of a four-year degree, it looks like it’s up to us to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and make do. So when three jobs aren’t paying enough to buy normal people food, but […]