Things aren’t looking up. graphic by Emma Palmer

Megachurch pastor worries for Jesus’ pocketbook

Osteen is concerned congregation won’t empty their pockets for God. When Lakewood Church closed its doors to the public in mid-March amid growing concerns over COVID-19, it was anyone’s guess as to when the congregation could return to a physical service. Online streaming options replaced the in-person sermons, so Pastor Joel Osteen can still get […]

Dr. Mario will see you now. graphic by Emma Palmer

Nintendo did COVID-19

The video game giant created the global pandemic to increase “Animal Crossing” sales. The people deserve to know the truth about COVID-19! To explain everything, let’s start at the very beginning: a very good place to start. It began with “Pokémon GO.” A few years ago, Niantic released “Pokémon GO” and encouraged people to explore […]

CORONAVIRUS: Pence decides who lives and who dies

Trump has promoted his VP to Virus Spreader-in-Chief. Vice Supreme Leader Michael Pence has been named the CEO of Coronavirus, the hot new trend sweeping the globe! Trump came out and made the decision public recently citing the usual amount of logic for his decision. As the nation watched on, Pence gave a speech on […]


Has Biden absorbed the life-force of younger Dems? Who is former Vice President Joe Biden? After Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar dropped out of the race for the Democratic nomination last week, no one has seen either of them. But I, the intrepid student journalist that I am, know the truth. Biden sucked the life-force […]

President Levit’s first order: censor Cl*ncy

Although she’s only been in power a week, Levit is already making sweeping changes. It was announced two weeks ago that President Gerard Cl*ncy would be resigning from office and that Provost Janet Levit was taking over as Interim President. Now that Levit has achieved her final form of Supreme Interim Ruler (SIR for short), […]

Kevan Buck really rocked his cosplay. graphic by Emma Palmer

Admin opens esports lounge just to play “D&D”

Admin rolls the dice with new “D&D” campaign. The esports lounge is open! It was something the student population asked for, and lo and behold the administration delivered. But could there be another reason the administration decided to build the cutting-edge facility? The first full week the esports lounge was open, students could hardly fit […]

Doomsday Clock overlooks daylight savings

Drunken scientists forgot to turn the clock back an hour; turns out everything’s okay! On Jan. 23, 2020, it was announced that the Doomsday Clock, a symbol of humanity’s ever-shrinking embrace with extinction, had been moved to 100 seconds to midnight. Reporters say at the time of that announcement, millions of people across the world […]