Antonio Brown kicks a football. graphic by Conner Maggio

Completely serious rule suggestions

Chris Lierly, Andrew Noland, Brennen Gray and Justin Guglielmetti are rewriting sports rules.

New NBA Concept
Traveling. This concept might get controversial, but the NBA must enact this change in the upcoming season. The rule would state that players can only take two steps after they stop dribbling the ball. Once they pick up their dribble, they would be able to plant their feet twice and then they would have to pass the ball to a teammate or shoot. A violation of this rule would be labeled traveling and the player who travels would give possession to the other team. This might ruffle the feathers of some older fans not used to the rule, but it would mark an end to the days of jogging down the court without taking a dribble (looking at you Russ and Melo).

Real Football
The United States has suffered years of ridicule because we send our best athletes to internationally irrelevant sports like baseball, basketball and American football. The NFL should bite the bullet and undergo a series of rule changes so that our best athletes can viably compete in soccer in the time leading up to and during the World Cup. The first change, while radical, should be to make football continuous play and add thirty minutes to play to compensate for advertisers. Trying to avoid making it too much like rugby, the NFL should finally justify the name football by only allowing the players to use their feet. This alteration will make scoring more difficult, so they should adapt by moving the field goal down to ground level, changing it into a netted box, and having players score points by kicking the ball into the goal. While drastic, the United States would just add to the massive list of things we dominate.

Put animated characters in the NBA
In the documentary “Space Jam,” which will soon be followed up by a sequel starring the King, Bugs Bunny and Co. band together to take down the Monstars. If the entire cast of non-Golden State Warriors affiliated NBA All Stars™ can’t seem to make the current reigning champions sweat in the Oakland heat, we need to bring in the big guns. I say we add two or three animated characters to each team’s depth chart. The Thunder can take Fred Flinstone to set them back to 4000 B.C., when they had KD, Harden, and Russ on the same team. The Pelicans can take Popeye. Ever since Boogie left, they need someone else to beat the tar out of people down below. Finally, the Cavs get Shaggy. That skinny boy loves dogs — especially underdogs.

Boxing Rules
Every sport should go off of boxing rules for winning championships. Remember that time UFC beat Auburn who beat Alabama who took the BCS earlier this year? They were right to declare themselves national champions. How about in this year’s World Cup when Mexico beat Germany, who won in 2014. In boxing, when someone beats the reigning champ, they become the new Champion. Games would be more more exciting, dynasties would fall and every now and then, we could make a real sports movie about the NBA again.

Baseball Time Travel
Since I’m an old man and don’t like change, I’m going to do everything I can to preserve baseball’s place in American culture as our national pastime. My master plan? Invent a time machine and make sure everyone involved with the game — from players to fans to ownership — travels back to 1940s before first pitch. We can keep all the positive changes made over time of course. Modern medicine and training? Love it. Advanced statistics leading to a greater understanding of the sport? Hellz yeah. Civil rights and the end of segregation? The best. But we need to get rid of cell phones, Netflix and all those other “technology” thingamajigs that have shortened our attention spans beyond repair and made watching baseball feel like such a chore to so many people.

Post Author: Chris Lierly