Drunken scientists forgot to turn the clock back an hour; turns out everything’s okay!
On Jan. 23, 2020, it was announced that the Doomsday Clock, a symbol of humanity’s ever-shrinking embrace with extinction, had been moved to 100 seconds to midnight. Reporters say at the time of that announcement, millions of people across the world silently kneeled down into a foreboding Tebow.
However, it doesn’t end there. In shocking news put out just last week, it turns out everything is fine! The knucklehead scientists behind the Doomsday Clock were drinking heavily the night of Nov. 2 and forgot to set the DC back an hour the next morning! Humanity now has a full hour and 100 seconds to fuck up again.
As America stood up from their solemn Tebows, a joyous dabbing session broke out across the nation as we all flirted with our first feelings of hope. Reporters who have seen clocks before knew that this meant that our world was the safest it had been in decades and that nothing could change that. If there was any danger then our little clockwork herald of Judgement Day would have caught it, no sweat!
Once the warm and comforting feeling of knowing a disastrous series of interconnected and yet simultaneously independent problems deeply woven into the fabric of society will not affect any current generation began to sink in, the world truly opened up to everyone.
The number of risky and reckless business ventures blissfully financed by shady loans skyrocketed. Recycling trucks joyously dumped their waste into nearby parks, while energy corporations cheerfully re-opened deprecated waste disposal pipes into nearby rivers. The toxic scent of victory began euphorically permeating the air as everyone took a huge whiff and even turned the water a victorious brown!
Following this wave of positivity, the government has finally begun doing what we’ve all been asking for, taking complete control of our lives to maximize our happiness! They started by cutting out all of the toxic people trying to bring us down, so all the negative Nancy contrarians who practice “critical thinking” and claim, “That’s not how the Doomsday Clock works,” or, “It’s supposed a metaphor,” have been rounded up by local law enforcement and will be summarily executed as a brilliant new sunrise comes up tomorrow. Glad they finally got those losers out of the way!
In order to combat the possibility of this new age coming to an abrupt end on March 8 of this year, America’s legislative branch has motioned to abolish daylight savings time as a short-term measure and is even hiring researchers to look into how to stop time itself, wonderful!
Thankfully, there will be no trouble financing this research as Congress also decided that schools now require a much smaller budget. After all, there is absolutely no point in trying to raise intelligent and well-rounded individuals when our problems are solved and Big Brother is watching! America can breathe a sigh of relief as the millions of dollars that were being wasted on “education” and can finally be used to combat real-world problems.
The Doomsday Clock, now known as the Pax Horologium, truly brought peace and prosperity to this world. Just yesterday, all of the world leaders announced, simultaneously in the same tone at the same pitch, that all of the world’s problems were just a matter of perspective. It’s amazing the wonders just one hour can do!