After a controversial rule outlawed drag racing and engine revving, people switched to a new form of protest.
Let’s face it — everyone on campus knew it was coming. Maybe no one was expecting this kind of drag race, but with all the frustration on campus, something was bound to happen. It all started when some of our favorite shadowy board of trustees members (strong-armed by Clancy, as usual) decided to finally put a stop to all the late night revving of engines. How did they do that, in their infinite wisdom? By outlawing drag racing, of course.
For some reason, this didn’t sit well with some students on campus. Jake Jones, a petroleum engineer from St. Louis, couldn’t stand it. “Look, honestly, it’s just a struggle to figure out what to do now to show that I have a fabulous car in the most obnoxious way possible. I just don’t know how to make sure everyone knows I’m not driving some wimpy Honda Accord or something.”
Jones’s frustration seemed to be a common concern, and herds of students decided they had to do something to protest this ridiculous decision from Clancy. It took them a while to decide (everyone started talking over each other and repeating ideas that others said to take credit), but eventually, they came up with an interesting solution. Since TU students couldn’t drag race cars anymore, they decided to take a page from RuPaul and have another kind.
The night of the protest came, and after much squeezing into six-inch heels and tucking, the queens were ready. The rules were simple: the queens had to race around the Old U twice, swing by the Norman Clubhouse, then hit up Kep (where they spend all their time), backtrack to Helmerich (their home), make a lap around Mabee Gym and finally run into the fountain by Mayo. At specific points along the way, the queens also had to make noises that imitated the cars they could no longer rev.
The race was fierce, with Jones (going by Queen Bee in drag) leading the way for most of the race, but as he had to imitate his 2009 Dodge Challenger R/T, he struggled. Soon after, it was accounting and finance major John Smith III (who goes by Ms. Angel in drag) who pulled ahead. His sparkly heels seemed to be as comfortable as the loafers he wore every day, but as he reached the edge of the fountain, he tripped. In a surprise finish, it was a Pike computer science major James Harold (drag name: Royal Highness) who finished in first.
Speaking about his win, Harold said, “Look, I know that I look fabulous as hell here, but there is a point to my win. Obviously, you should all come to Pike tonight, but also we stood up for what we believed in. Sure, you might see the heels and sexy dresses first, but more than anything, we are just a bunch of bros who want to be able to drag race. Surely Clancy can see that we’re right, right? There’s no way he won’t repeal the rule now!”