Drunk uncle solves all of humanity’s problems, passes out

This Thanksgiving break many domestic students returned home to face a week of food, drink and, unfortunately, family. The Thanksgiving feast is a time-honored American tradition, often accompanied with heavy drinking—a tradition one family’s uncle was not going to break.

India Gallopavo, a TU student who returned home for the holidays, reported on the drunken revelations of her second uncle, Bill Strickland.
“We should have known we were in for a long night when he showed up at 2 p.m. already buzzed,” recalled Gallopavo. “By the middle of dinner we were all braced for loud, racist outbursts,” she said.

“But, surprisingly enough, Uncle Strickland actually … made more sense the more he had to drink.”

Strickland is reported to have “found a solution to the energy crisis” and “solved nearly all foreign relations issues” after his sixth and seventh glass of wine, respectively.

“We were really tense when my cousin Jane showed up with her fiancé,” Gallopavo reported. Strickland had yet to bless his daughter’s engagement, and had been prone to violence toward her fiancé in the past.

“But after his after-dinner brandy, Uncle Strickland not only blessed the engagement, but also came up with a financial plan for their first three years of marriage.”

“I don’t know what got into my dad,” reported Gallopavo’s cousin Jane, “but it was like the more he had to drink the more thoughtful and understanding he became.”

Around 5 p.m., Strickland finally passed out after revealing his plan to end world hunger and solve all religious conflicts. “It would have been a cute scene,” said Gallopavo, “if my uncle hadn’t thrown up all over the dessert table first.”

Post Author: westanderson

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