Eenie, meenie, miney, mo. Hey, I think your car’s been towed

For the second time this academic year, students have had the privilege of receiving valet parking without even asking for it. The best part was, they could have their cars moved without the drivers even entering their car. These thankless services have been part of TU’s attempts at making our private university a central hub of community events in order to disprove the law of conservation of mass (we can absolutely create matter in the form of enough parking spaces for fans of TU’s infrastructure and OU). As a result of these little parties on campus, many students experienced a phenomenon similar to walking into your bedroom during a family party only to see a sleeping baby on your bed — our unofficial-official parking spots were not ours for the extent of that weekend.

However, these changes weren’t a complete surprise. Students were given a whole two-days-notice before the trucks started towing and the stadiums surrounding parking lots made room for the people who genuinely like the way Gus T. looks (Lorton was empty for those two days, in case you were curious). Now, where were some people’s cars towed? I had a confidential discussion with the owner of a massive, six-door pickup truck, who told me that he reached out to Brad Carson on the whereabouts of his vehicle and received a response saying: “Your car, son, (Do you see what I did there? Haha! (poop emoji),) is currently being used to retrieve the last of the bricks for the Starbucks opening in McFarlin library later this year! I wish you would’ve bought a car with better gas mileage; the gas expenses will be updated daily by the Bursar’s Office. Please pay these fees promptly.” I told him that it was nice to see that the Bursar’s Office will be accurate and timely for once, and due to that I’ve been told by the agency to keep my interviews to a minimum.

To no surprise at all, students started venting their frustrations to one another about now needing to fight for parking in a lot that they paid extra to avoid. Should I even mention that on top of paying the average down-payment of a home annually in order to attend this school, we must also segregate ourselves into who’s willing to pay to park in a lot closer to those expensive classes and cramped dorms? Call me a member of Pike with the amount of audacity in my tone, but with the funds used for the cost of the performers that TU’s been hiring, all students could have free parking. After all, there’s no need for our school to act as if it resides in 74103 — paying extra to park in a school that’s just a block wide is quite unnecessary. In an ideal world, the money that students are billed from the school would positively affect their experience, and not just the fact that those parking tickets would then be removed from their accounts. Maybe we’d get some cameras so that I can find out who keeps door-dinging my car.

I digress; the home of the Golden Hurricane was the center for disaster in the days leading up to a game in which we had a 3.6% chance of winning. I know for a fact that students enjoyed being shuttled to their dorms after needing to park off-campus, only because they weren’t able to snag paid parking on campus for the game. Yes, how else do you expect TU to have another foam party if not by asking OU fans to pay for a spot in a game that would have no underdog victory? Kinda sinister, I love it.

The weekend came to an end but the mental scars still remain. I believe the cure-all right now, with autumn finally here and another concert in the works (I seriously feel like this semester has aged me 50 years since who the heck is Swae Lee??), is an Iced Pumpkin Cream Chai Tea Latte with two shots of vodka from the Starbucks that has yet to be completed. Any further delays and parking lot closures will have the same effect on me that beautiful girls have on Sean Kingston.

Post Author: Hannah Moua