Eye contact deemed micro-cheating in new study

A group of infidelity experts published research on the hazards that eye contact with a platonic friend can have on a relationship.

A recent study in “The Journal of Relational and Sexual Dysfunction” informed readers of the newest travesty in the world of infidelity: eye-contact. The three experts, Dr. Ho of the University of Djibouti, Dr. Cox of Colon College and Dr. Hung of Brigham Young, stated in the paper, “Eye contact is the primary instigator of micro-cheating. Relations of adulterous nature always begin with a mutual moment of sexual tension briefly captured in a glance. This natural consent of sexual intentions lies at the neurological level.”
Hung said he has “studied the systematic process of the lobular hemotension found firing in a state of adultery. Infidelity can be immediately detected by this correlation with the celibate temporal somosphere.
“In any instance of eye contact with any sex, the vehicular tendinitis reacts via carbon quadridate and the ‘purple matter’ of the aura borealis with the magmus tyrannosaurus: a marked indication of infidelity,” Hung carefully explained. “Specifically, in this instance, this is micro-cheating.”
In addition to this revealing study, the same group of highly regarded scientists recently correlated caffeine use to the use of methamphetamines. They advise to steer children aware from caffeine usage because it has been discovered that 100 percent of meth users are also caffeine users.
The experts are not the only ones with a say in this matter. A local activist group, “Community Opposing Cheating Kids,” also known by the acronym C.O.C.K., hopes to deal with micro-cheating at its source: the youths. The group goes into schools to instruct children starting in kindergarten, which they believe is the optimum age for the beginning of their anti-cheating education.
“Boys and girls can’t be friends,” says the president of C.O.C.K., Richard Tuggle. “If we start with the children, we can nip any contact between sexes in the bud. We believe that miscellaneous gestures, while appearing innocent, are severe cases of adultery that if not nipped in the early stages of development will blossom into horrific instances of eye contact, intersex friendliness or, in dire cases, friendship.”
With the latest knowledge in the scientific world and Valentine’s Day on the horizon, it is imperative that readers understands how to evaluate whether their partner is micro-cheating. The most obvious example is eye-contact, but there are even more subtle hints to high-tension relationship dysfunction.

Assess these few instances:
Does your partner go out in public wearing fashionable or stylish clothes that fit well or make them feel attractive and confident?
Are there any instances where you find your partner using a cellular device or computer?
Have you had a conversation with your partner in which another person other than yourself has come up in conversation?
Does your partner shave their armpits? Their legs? Their nether regions?
Has your partner eaten today?
Was your partner born from a womb?

Unfortunately, if you said yes to any of these questions, you may need to reassess your relationship. Your partner most likely is a nefarious micro-cheater and possibly is engaged with heinous sexual acts involving weird fetishes.
Ho warns suspicious partners everywhere, “Be aware that if your significant other is initiating eye contact, they are, in most cases, engaged in egregious sexual and emotional acts with another partner, and it is highly advised that you end all contact with them. Do not try to mend or communicate about your relationship with them.”

Post Author: Thomas von Borstel