Mary "Kobe" Fallin pulls up for a jump shot. Graphic by Conner Maggio

Fallin’s final fail

Mary Fallin’s final mission is to see just how low she can drag Oklahoma with her as she leaves office.

With just four months left in her position, Governor Mary Fallin decided to make the most of her time to see if she can make Oklahoma in last place in every possible measure.

“We aren’t known for much,” Fallin stated. “Tornados, cowboys and frying things that shouldn’t be fried are a few that come into people’s minds, if they think of us at all. If we can’t be known for being the best at anything, fuck it, let’s at least be known for being the worst.”

Fallin had a running start with Oklahoma already being 50th in female incarceration. “Why just females though? I’m all for equal rights!” Earlier this year she managed to help Oklahoma secure 50th in overall incarceration. This helped spark her decision to use her remaining time for her steep goal.

Even with the state being the worst in female incarceration and in the top five worst states for the gender pay gap, Oklahoma somehow still manages to scrape by as only the 10th worst for females to live in.

Education protests over the past year highlighted the fact that Oklahoma is in the bottom five for public education. As rallies heated up, so did Oklahoma’s presence in national news. “You know you’re doing something right when your state is all anyone can talk about,” Fallin said. “As the saying goes, any press is good press!”

Despite all of these low rankings, voter participation is still the seventh worst in the country. “You’d think they would start caring after a while, but it turns out no one gives a fuck what you do in this place. Maybe it’s something in the water — we are 45th in water quality after all.”

Another thing the Sooner state is not known for is our healthcare. Overall, Oklahoma is 48th in healthcare, with health insurance being in the bottom five and nursing care coming in 43rd nationally. Oklahoma is also the second worst for smoking, a position which might be slipping due to the rates of smoking going from one in three people being smokers to one in five in the last 30 years. Fallin blames vapers for this significant decrease.

In response to Oklahoma’s overall health crises, Fallin says, “I might not manage to bring us down to dead last in health, but with an anti-vaxxer as our next governor, it can only go down from here.”

One unsurprising statistic is that the state is the 6th most affordable state to live in. “No one wants to live here. Hell, I’m already packed up myself. My next step is conquering Washington. Fallin for 2020, baby!”

Rumors say that her campaign slogan will be “Keep America Shitty” and that she will be riding off the coattails of her success in her governorship.

Post Author: Madison Connell