Four weeks into her first semester in college, student Becca Channing’s initial confusion over her lack of immediate popularity has transformed into outright bewilderment and indignation.
“At first, I thought everybody was being coy, ya know, pretending like they didn’t know who I was or maybe just too shy to approach me.” Channing explains. “But we’re a month in now and it’s sort of getting ridiculous!”
In evidence for her outrage, Channing provided her resume:
Farwell High School class of 2017 graduate
Senior Homecoming Queen
Senior Prom Queen
Varsity Pom Squad Captain
Voted Most Likely to Marry a Celeb
Three-Year Girlfriend of the Quarterback
And pretty loyal too
Has nice hair
“As anyone with eyeballs can clearly see, I am almost overqualified to be popular! I’m pretty sure that’s the whole reason I got accepted here anyway! Why isn’t it happening?”
Channing is correct. Her credentials are very impressive.
“I stand around before class and no one comes to hand me the finished homework! I sit at an empty table in the Caf and there aren’t so many people trying to join me that I have to turn most of them away!”
Channing wipes a tear from her eye.
“I’ve gotten so desperate, I chilled by the goalposts on the football field in booty shorts, like I used to when I dated Chad, and I just got told to leave! It’s so totally not fair! I mean, I’m walking around campus, looking hot as hell, and I don’t have to slap the boys away! Why can’t things be like they used to?”
With her grades, love life and mental health suffering from these developments, Channing is planning to sue the University for damages. Her lawyer has released this statement:
“Miss Channing will not stand to be ignored by her peers. The emotional toll on her psyche that this has caused her is irreversible and she will be duly compensated for it.”
“Like, what do you mean I have to try out for things?” remarked Channing. “Normally people just drop nominations for president and team captain in my lap; it’s too hard now!”
Lawyers from the University of Tulsa have refused to issue an official statement in regards to the lawsuit, but have promised to assist Channing in gaining back her popularity if she agrees to settle out of court, saying:
“TU realizes that transitioning from high school to college can be a very difficult process for some and will do everything in its power to assist Miss Channing and any other student that is struggling.”
“Ugh, why did I even leave high school? When you graduate, they never tell you that everything’s going to change!”
The preliminary hearing is set for December. Time will tell if these charges will stand.