Make your opinions heard with the TU-sponsored bullshit horn! graphic by Emma Palmer

Freshman refuses senior advice

A TU senior is in critical condition after a freshman refuses to listen to their advice about college.

A University of Tulsa senior was checked into the hospital last week after suffering a nervous breakdown. It is believed to be the result of a freshman telling her, “I don’t need your advice. Fuck off.”

A nurse working at the hospital, Ima Fraude, provided some details: “Upon arrival, the student was drenched in a cold sweat, her heart was beating fewer than 60 beats per minute, and she was struggling to breathe. She kept muttering the words ‘Don’t need my advice’ over and over. Her body was literally going into shock. We gave her some muscle relaxers and now she’s thankfully back to normal.”

We asked the senior, who preferred to remain anonymous, what led to her hospitalization. She said the following: “I mean I was just telling this freshman girl about time management and club participation when she told me to screw off. I’ve never had anyone be disinterested in what I had to say, and I didn’t know how to react. I thought I had everything all figured out, and I couldn’t resist telling other freshman how they can best achieve balance and success in their lives. It used to feel good believing I had all the right opinions and stances on college life. Excuse me, I’m sorry, I need to go find my safe space now.”

For those well-intentioned college students trying to give advice, just remember that, if a freshman starts walking away, you can always start speaking louder and follow them to make sure they learn how to keep their life together. Freshman wouldn’t be in such a hurry if they used proper time management.

For students struggling with being heard, they can carry around a university-approved mini bullhorn, made for those moments where no one seems to be listening to you. After all, how else are you going to make sure people hear what you have to say? Those who are interested may pick up their own voice magnifier at the Unnecessary Advice Institute located on the corner of 51st and Irritation Avenue.

Alternatively, for quiet and reserved students that can’t seem to avoid unwanted advice, the university is selling handheld buttons inspired by Staples Easy button. The difference lies in the fact that instead of saying “That Was Easy” this button will say “I Don’t Care” in the most bored and passive-aggressive way possible. This new device should keep those bothersome upper-classmen off your back.

It’s currently on sale for the price of some piece of mind, or $9.95.

Post Author: Gabe Powell