At 3 p.m. last Friday, someone sent an anonymous tip about a student, fresh-faced, ready for adventure and dressed in a full tuxedo. The student was walking around looking confused and trying very clearly to impress strangers. The anonymous caller told Campo that he was heading into what appeared to be a “totally bitchin’ party” at an apartment.
When the officer, resident loose cannon Officer Dean Chavez, knocked on the apartment door he heard murmurs coming from inside about who should open the door. When the door opened the officer noticed that the room smelled, “like bottom shelf liquor, body odor and asking the professor if you can leave to go to the bathroom,” all of which are arrestable offenses.
The freshman who stood before him was trembling with fear and sweating profusely. Officer Chavez noted that the freshman, now identified as Bernard Turteltaub, who had ditched the tuxedo and changed into a shirt with his high school logo on it. The student talked in a mix of incomprehensible slang and slurring, but he seemed to say something along the lines of “You aren’t the pizza guy.”
Turteltaub, a model student in one class and completely unknown in his other five classes, has been known to break rules frequently. Records show that he has been reported before for possession of candle paraphernalia. According to Turteltaub he “was just holding it for a friend,” but nobody has ever seen Turteltaub and a friend together in the same room.
Turteltaub’s 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Holmes told the State-Run Media that he was known to “get the occasional yellow card,” a clear sign of a ruthless maniac. His former RA stated that the only interaction they had was him asking if he could “y’know, like… have a girl, like spend the night?” Suspect Bernard Turteltaub was detained for “looking guilty as hell” last Wednesday. No further investigation was necessary.