Choose your fighter: the three contenders for why the campus lights stopped working. graphic by Conner Maggio

Freshmen aren’t the only ones that black out on campus

Three conspiracy theories on why the campus lights didn’t turn on.

Last week, The University of Tulsa experienced a blackout of the sidewalk lights that impacted much of campus Sunday Oct. 21, 2018. Here are the top theories on the cause.

Clowns, Part Two
The Pennywises of the world have struck again! Remember the uprising of clowns showing their true colors in 2016 and trying to murder us all? People were afraid to go out at night. I have not been to a circus since.

Now this occured back in the Obama era, if that tells you anything about how this is supposedly ancient history. But what if those guys are trying to go for a comeback? Think about it. It makes perfect sense.

Since the 2017 “It” movie, clown work has been on a downturn. Many lost their jobs. The killer clown population was already running low before the great clown purges of October 2016.

But some of the higher- ups in the killer clown ring decided that in Fall 2018, it was time to come back strong. So they turned to guerilla warfare, which means sabotage.

Since everyone knows clowns usually operate in groups of six when they are not alone or paired, the crew would have enough for small amount of damage over a large area. This explains the odd shape of blacked-out lights across campus.

So the only logical explanation for the campus blackout is that killer clowns sabotaged the campus electrical system. Word around the circus tent is someone was supposed to put up fliers to warn of the Clownocalypse to come, but whoever it was forgot.

The Space Force
Never say that good ol’ TU never did anything for our esteemed government! We helped fire a Laser of Overly-Sized Emissions of Radiation, LOSER for short. The current federal administration has expressed concern that making a space military was not as much of a money-sink as they had hoped.

In addition to blaster pistols, combat space armor and space battleships, the U.S. of A. needs its very own earth-based laser cannon. Campus government pitched in to make this dream a reality.

During the blackout, the lights were draining their power for the purpose of directing it to the giant laser cannon. It took over six million watts of power. The laser fired off for only a second before burning out, so unless you were looking in the right direction at the right time, you probably missed it.

The secret underground tunnels of Tulsa house thousands of miles of wire that can drain power from the university at any time. They usually only drain enough to destroy campus WiFi, often to do things like power the light shows for BOK concerts.

The cats are at it again
The secret society of Tulsa cats are hatching a nefarious plan of feline ferocity. They used the power to make Cat Locomotive Assistant Wireless Suits. These CLAWS are mech suits made to take down Earth’s human population.

Some say that this is made possible by the recent triumph of the cats over the squirrel population. Have you noticed the squirrels acting a little odd around campus lately? That’s because those rodents have just lost a war, and they have been through some serious hell.

Now that the cats have won control of campus, they have bigger fish to fry. They want nothing more than complete control over the milk trade of the world, which has been dominated by bipeds ever since they took it from the bovines.

This litter box isn’t big enough for students and cats alike, and we all might become their scratching posts.

Post Author: Brennen Gray