Game of buckets, a playoff preview

Game of Thrones spoilers ahead

As I write this article all I can think about is the “Game of Thrones” season premiere. I have so many questions I want answers to, but I have to write this article about the NBA playoffs so I guess I can combine the two. I’m going to compare each playoff team to a GOT character.

The NBA playoffs this year are a lot like “Game of Thrones.” I honestly have no idea what is going to happen. Tyrion could die in the first episode and maybe the Mavs will win the championship. Actually let’s be real. The Mavs won’t win the championship. Let’s get started.

Eastern Conference

The last two spots in the East are up in the air between the Nets, Celtics and Pacers. I think the Celtics and Pacers will get in, so let’s just assume that.

The Pacers are Theon Greyjoy, a once mighty warrior who is a shadow of himself. The Pacers were championship contenders last season then Paul George broke his leg in the most gruesome fashion. Theon Greyjoy was the heir to the Iron Islands then Ramsay Snow caught him and made him Reek. The Pacers lost their best player and so did Theon when Ramsay took his manhood. After that Greyjoy was never the same as are this year’s Pacers. 2014 Pacers equal Theon Greyjoy. 2015 Pacers equal Reek.

The Seventh Seed in the East is probably going to be the Boston Celtics. The Celtics are likable and very fun to watch and have a very cunning GM. They are going to have to play the Cavs in the first round which means their exit from the playoffs will be as painful as anyone’s making them Oberyn Martell.

The sixth seed is the Milwaukee Bucks, otherwise known as Arya Stark. Much like Stark, the Bucks are very young and total badasses. And I’m sure Jason Kidd has probably poked a fat boy with a sword named Needle. The Bucks have also gone through some hard times this year with a lot of injuries to players, but they bounced back just like Stark bounced back numerous times.

The fifth seed out East is the Washington Wizards. Washington should be a lot better than they are, but they aren’t bad. Maybe they will win their first round matchup, maybe they won’t. They aren’t that important to the playoffs. I’m going to go with Catelyn Stark’s brother who runs Riverrun because ehh.

The fourth seed is the Chicago Bulls. Chicago has underperformed this season, but nobody wants to see them in the playoffs. I would not be surprised if they win the East. They’re feisty, old school and mean. They are Bronn. Nobody really thinks about Bronn in Westeros, but does anybody really want to mess with Bronn? We saw what he did to Lysa Arryn’s knight in High Garden.

The third seed out East is from a foreign land that nobody has ever heard of, yet they are good, but not quite great. I am talking about the Toronto Raptors of course. With all of this being said, the Raptors are Arya’s sword fighting teacher, Illyrio. He was entertaining to say the least, but he was not pivotal to the plot. I am sad that he is dead, but not that sad. If the Raptors get eliminated I will be bummed, but not that bummed.

The second seed out East is the Cleveland Cavaliers, otherwise known as the Mountain. The Cavs are big and powerful much like Ser Gregor Clegane. Everyone is terrified of the Cavs as they should be, but they can play a lot of simple basketball on offense and could be beat by a smarter team.

The Atlanta Hawks are the first seed out East, and nobody knows how that happened, much like nobody knows how Petyr Baelish basically controls the Seven Kingdoms. Petyr Baelish is a weak man physically, but one of the smartest and most cunning men the Seven Kingdoms has ever seen. No team will be intimidated when they see the Hawks walk out of the tunnel, but when they see their passing and beautiful offense they will be terrified. Littlefinger could win the “Game of Thrones,” and the Hawks could win an NBA championship.

Western Conference

Sorry Thunder fans, but I do not think that Russell and company will make the playoffs, which means the New Orleans Pelicans will be the eighth seed out West. The Pelicans have the best player not named LeBron in Anthony Davis, but the rest of their team is weak. The Pelicans are Bran Stark. Anthony Davis is the best part of Bran, and the rest of the Pelicans are his legs: useless.

The Dallas Mavericks think they can win a championship. Nobody else does. They are old and unrealistic about their chances. They are Balon Greyjoy. He always thinks he can win the Iron Throne for some reason. He tried to rebel after Robert Baratheon for the Iron Throne and failed. The Mavs are trying again and will fail again.

The Houston Rockets are the sixth seed at this point, but that could change very quickly. Nobody likes the Rockets. They are evil, plain and simple. That is why they are Ramsay Bolton. Ramsay is a sociopath who tortures people and kills without a care in the world, but he is good at what he does and he gets results much like the Rockets. They might be hated, but they are good and could easily win an NBA championship.

I feel bad for the Portland Trail Blazers. Injuries have ended their chances of winning a championship. They were so fun to watch, but alas, it was not meant to be, much like everyone’s favorite Hand of the King and Warden of the North, Ned Stark. Pour some out for Ned. I still miss him.

The San Antonio Spurs are tricky and old and really damn good at what they do. It is really scary. You know who else is like that? Olenna Tyrell. She got a king killed, stole her sister’s husband and I am pretty sure she is immortal. She will always be around to run the show. The Spurs never go away and they could win it all again. It is kind of annoying at this point, but they are still likable.

The third seed is the Los Angeles Clippers. The Clippers whine more than any team in NBA history. They are entitled despite the fact that they have never made it past the first round, and they are probably the most hated team in the NBA. People actively root against them. Sound like any “Game of Thrones” character you know? Yep, the Clippers are the one and only Joffrey Baratheon.

The Memphis Grizzlies are known for their grit and grind style of play. They are old school, yet they are struggling right now. I am not really sure what to make of the Grizzlies. They are Jorah Mormont. Last time we saw him Khaleesi kicked him to the curb, but there is still hope that he could come back and save the day.

The last team to cover is the Golden State Warriors. The Warriors are amazing. It is hard to find a flaw with this team. Steph Curry might be the greatest shooter in NBA history, and Klay Thompson might be the second best (just kidding). Everything about them is amazing. They are Tyrion Lannister, the Halfman.

Post Author: tucollegian

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