Gronkowski erotica leaves readers unsatisfied

“A Gronking to Remember” is the first installment of the Rob Gronkowski Erotica Series by Lacey Noonan. It is a story about sexual discovery, the hardships of marriage , and of course the professional American Football player Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski.

The protagonist is an unnamed, domestic housewife who finds herself very unsatisfied with her husband, Dan. After seeing Gronkowski’s signature touchdown spike, “The Gronk,” the woman begins having intense sexual fantasies about Gronk.

One of my main criticisms of this piece is the main character. The author fails to make her a relatable character in the slightest. I mean who actually becomes obsessed with Rob Gronkowski? There are dozens of more attractive NFL players to have odd, football-based fantasies about, for example Eric Decker of the Jets.

Plus her sexual obsession borders on sex addiction. She spends a copious amount of time entertaining her sexual fantasies, putting her marriage and even her job at risk. She is extremely self-centered, thinking only about her happiness. The only time she thinks of others is when she is complaining about them.

The protagonist, and by extension the author, is unfairly vicious towards almost every supporting character. Noonan writes Dan the husband as a sloppy, mean, sports-obsessed idiot.

Even if this is how the main character perceives her husband, Noonan should have made the woman’s bias apparent to the reader. I mean come on! He might be a drunk, but it’s not like he’s fantasizing about Martha Stewart or some weird shit. Honestly the nicest thing the woman says to Dan throughout most of the story is “Dick. Hard dick.”

My biggest problem with this story is that it claims to be satire; I simply don’t believe that claim. While Noonan uses many of the more cliche erotica tropes, she does so without any sort of irony or double meaning. While lines like “I come. So hard.” and “You like how I work my slot receiver,” are initially funny, they do not have the satirical depth that works such as (insert dinosaur erotica name here) are famous for.

The story isn’t any more ridiculous than a non-satirical piece, barring one scene near the end which is so ridiculous that it would stretch even the limits of satire. No spoilers, but I will admit that a football is involved.
That poor, poor football.

Post Author: westanderson

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