Americans were shocked at Hillary Clinton’s recent speech last Saturday in regard to her health.
After announcing her plan to die almost immediately after taking office as The President of the United States of America, the Democratic presidential nominee admitted, “I have always considered William Henry Harrison to be America’s greatest president. His glorious precedent of winning the presidency and then passing away without any of the stress and demands of the office has always inspired me. It’s the perfect way to leave a legacy without the rapid aging the office inflicts on the president.”
Dylan Hill, Clinton’s medical advisor, told stunned reporters when asked about Clinton’s premature health concerns, “It had to be planned out, she had to have pneumonia before the election ended because we couldn’t ensure she would get pneumonia during her Inaugural Address.”
The entire campaign, Clinton and Hill confessed, was to utilize over 350 million dollars and hundreds of interns’ and campaign staff’s hours for the single goal of allowing candidate for Vice President Tim Kaine to be the next president.
“Why Tim Kaine?” one bewildered reporter asked. Jonathan Handcock, Chief Early Exit Advisor to the Democratic nominee, disclosed that the original plan had been to bring Bernie Sanders as her running mate, as it would have been the only viable way for him to become president. However, the Democratic National Committee’s raised concerns that the senator from Vermont might die of old age before she had the privilege of passing away of illness. So, they implemented their backup plan, saying that, “Tim Kaine is pretty okay.”
“There is no other way I would want to spend my last days on earth: spending lots of money that isn’t mine, traveling and constantly being invited to high-end parties, but I’m ready to join the ranks of the greats like Zachary Taylor and James Garfield,” Hillary proclaimed in her closing lines.
Some Americans are wondering how her idea makes any sense, others are wondering why no one thought of such a brilliant plan before her, but most Americans are wondering if William Harrison is that actor from that one crime drama their grandmother loves.