Now that you’re a semester into the year and fresh off the high of failing all your finals, you’re probably wondering why you’re still in your major. We at The State Run Media have found a solution! Make smarter decisions in 2020 and choose a new major based on your zodiac sign.
Aries — Marketing is definitely your speed. You get to aggressively yell at people to buy your product and smile when it somehow actually works. If you need a side project, you can always start a profitable pyramid scheme and recruit random people from your high school that you never actually talked to.
Taurus -— You should get a law degree. Nevermind your pitiful debate skills; you’re too stubborn to let anyone beat you in an argument. This will come in handy big time in court.
Gemini — Because of your duality, we propose a double major in music and petroleum frackeneering. The music major will allow your creative side to bring “Joy To The World.” The petroleum frackeneering major will allow your inner asshole to revel in fucking up the economy and climate.
Cancer — Since your sign is named after a disease, your new major should be nursing. You get all the health and disease knowledge. I also heard somewhere that Cancers are empathetic or something, making it an even better fit.
Leo — We choose CEO for you. It’s not really a major, but a way of life. Join the ranks of Corporate Assholes Inc. and become a billionaire off your trust fund. If you so happen to not be gifted with a trust fund, you are clearly no longer worthy of calling yourself a Leo.
Virgo — You are often called tidy, organized or even a perfectionist. Put this to good use with your new major, organizational studies. It’ll be a febreeze.
Libra — This list is the most important for you because you are so indecisive. This is why we have opted out of picking a major for you. You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!
Scorpio — You get the sexiest of majors, environmental science. You get to save the turtles (sksk) and enforce your plastic straw ban on the world. The only one getting choked from now on is you, amirite?
Sagittarius — Because your life is so exciting, you need a dull ass major to balance it out. Accounting.
Capricorn — As you are essentially a heartless computer, you might as well pick the major of your people, computer science. You’ll be constantly surrounded by other computers (I mean people) that speak your language. Unless you only speak Fortran. Sorry.
Aquarius — Because you are going through your rebellious phase this semester, (we know, “It’s not a phase”) we have decided to offer you the first position in the crypto marxist deconstruction art poetry program. We’re told it’s similar to the social justice warrior program, but that was cut last year.
Pisces — People say you are creative and emotional. Use these skills to write stories and call it creative writing. It’s a major. Look it up.