Aries (March 21- April 19): You should probably take it seriously when your professor says to study for this next exam. We all know you “common sensed” your way through the last exam, and look where that got you: academic probation.
Taurus (April 20- May 20): That concert you want to go to, you need to go. Your favorite artist might be playing, and they might bring out your #2 favorite as well. But if you stay in and cuddle up with your body pillow you won’t find out.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Life was looking pretty good for you last week, so we all know what happens next. You should stay off of any major highways this week, as the construction and danger of the fast paced lane is too much for your economic vehicle to handle. We heard you the first time that your car gets good gas, stop.
Cancer (June 22- July 22): Please stop vacuuming after 10 at night. I am trying to sleep, your roommate is trying to sleep. Your RA is trying to sleep. Even the crickets are getting ticked off with how loud your vacuum is. Do better and stop vacuuming so late.
Leo (July 23- August 22): With all the craziness in your life right now, it makes sense why there could be a serious challenge balancing your home and work lives. Just know that your balancing act will pay off, and you are doing a fantastic job of doing so. Just make sure not to fall, and if you are gonna fall, make sure not to do it near me.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Halloween is around the corner, and I sure hope the costume you have been planning doesn’t fall apart the morning of. You should dance in the rain all day Tuesday this week to make sure that doesn’t happen. Or don’t, that might be why your costume falls apart.
Libra (September 23- October 23): Your music taste is so bad it is comical. Please never let yourself near a speaker. Or aux. Especially not in my car, or any of your loved ones. Guinness world record for horrendous music taste.
Scorpio (October 24-November 21): Happy birthday to all 5 of you born on October 25th who live in Oklahoma. I hope your pre-Halloween celebration that definitely wasn’t just Halloween costumes and Halloween candy was amazing! If not, womp womp. There’s always the real celebration of Halloween day to look forward to, so keep your head up King.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): You have got to let yourself have a good cry. You need it so badly even your professor asked you if you were doing alright. Please go take a long shower and cry, I do not want to hear about how badly you need to cry for the 2,221st time this week.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19): Whether you demolished those midterms or they demolished you, drink some water after demolishing yourself this past weekend. Drinking enough to kill a hippopotamus is not something to celebrate, you need to be studied in a lab setting.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Midterms are over, get out of your room. Rotting in bed isn’t helping you any more than drinking your sorrows will, so you might as well head to Pat Case and get some real (ish) food for the first time in a week and a half.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Your grades don’t define you, but your fly ass outfits sure do. They don’t call you Dr. Put It On for no reason, so please keep up the fits for this next week. If you would be so kind, email me at ars8522@utulsa.edu and send me some of the websites you get your clothes from, I promise your horoscope will be better next week if you do.
