Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Strong chance of nuclear war tomorrow, so take action and build a bunker tonight to protect yourself.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Strong chance of nuclear war tomorrow, make sure you don’t leave your sink on when you go to class this week, it won’t be nearly as cold and you told everyone you were “environmentally con- scious,” so time to act like it.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Strong chance of nuclear war tomorrow, no hope for you.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): Strong chance of nuclear war tomorrow, your collarbones are in vertical this week, so take extra precaution when you raise your shoulders. If you go to raise your hand in class, just don’t, it isn’t worth it.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Strong chance of nuclear war tomorrow, watch out for ice. If you slip and fall on it, call in sick to your work, your classes, your family, and to your pets. Don’t worry about those pesky due dates, your professors will understand your agony of public embarrassment.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Strong chance of nuclear war tomorrow, expect negative energy and actions this week. There won’t be a lot of sunlight, a bunch of bad activi- ties, and your allergies will beat your ass.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Strong chance of nuclear war tomorrow, so stay on top of your layered clothing this week. Whipping winds will whack your weak wagework- ing walk, so take precautions by wearing 27 layers of clothes, and you won’t suffer from hypothermia.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Strong chance of nuclear war tomorrow, head to the library and stock up on your fa- vorite literature. You might not have the option to check them out again, ever.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Strong chance of nuclear war tomorrow, but your winter birthday has prepared you for surviving the cold climate. You won’t stress or struggle if a nuclear war happens, you’ll be fine.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Strong chance of nuclear war tomorrow, so grab your warmest blanket, a large cup of coffee, and prepare for a decent time inside. Your pets will love the attention they receive, and the increase in snacks.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Strong chance of nuclear war tomorrow, keep away from the laxatives. You are going to need all the water rations you can have, and dumping all your water from your rear won’t help the impending dehydration.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Strong chance of nuclear war tomorrow, and Neptune, your ruling sign, is in prolapse. The displacement of a part of the body from its normal position, usually downward or outward, often resulting in it protruding from an orifice, is going to mess up your week. Good luck.
