Aries (March 21-April 19): Ram your way back into therapy this week, please. While you were away from your therapist over this break, you really got attached to “I’m a raging narcissist, I don’t need therapy.”

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Have a great week. You’ve had a rough go of things, so check in on yourself and make sure you’re drinking enough water, eating round meals, and call your parents or friends sometime this week, they will appreciate it as much as you do.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): My ex-best friend in high school was a Gemini. Then she stole my calculator and refused to give it back unless I “returned her hamster”. I hate Gemini’s, except you Mom, I love you Mom!

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Crab-walk your way away from Tex-Mex this week. Reports have come in from other land-locked states that it is not worth risking it. So don’t.

Leo (July 23-August 22): How about you focus on opening the listening aspect of your ears this week, and take a step back from shouting your opinion over everyone else, for once. So glad you have all of these wonderful ideas, now let other people add to the conversation.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): You are the textbook definition of a neurotic perfectionist. I hope your furniture is uneven, your items are in the wrong places, and someone steals all of your spoons, especially the one you use when you have cereal.

Libra (September 23-October 22): As the scale of the horoscopes, you balance everything out. Your positive energy will especially help with this week’s negativity, so keep up the smile, whether it’s a facade or not. Have a good week, king.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Remove the tree trunk of a stick that’s festering up your rear and maybe people would enjoy your presence. Or buy your friend a tank of gas. One of the two. Either way you still stink and have to deal with that stick.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Aim higher and stop settling for mediocrity. C’s get degrees, but why stop there? D’s might get degrees if you are lucky enough. Just hope that your professor can “common sense” their way through your answers.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19): Be wary of false prophets this week. The mysterious figure that you see across the Old U is not your old roommate, so turn and run.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): When you go to drive on the highway, make sure you check your left rear blind spot one extra time this week. Semi-trucks are seemingly appearing out of nowhere and people need to be informed of this dangerous happening.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Be cautious of throwing up around toilets this week. If you feel like you are going to puke, watch out not to hit your head and pass out on the gross toilet ground. If you do pass out, make sure you have a trusted contact who won’t make fun of you for passing out.

Post Author: Alex Soeder