Aries (March 21-April 19): On behalf of all of those who interact with you, thank you for recognizing your narcissism. It is difficult attempting to work with someone who refuses to acknowledge who they are, but at least you know your family “tree” is better defined as a cactus.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Let’s focus on actually getting some work done this week. Yes, the semester has started, and yes you are tired. So is everyone else, you are not special. Get back on track and pick it up.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Get back into the swing of things Gemini. Focus more on your classes and keep a positive outlook, lord knows you never check your Outlook anyway so you might as well fake it till you make it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Switch your focus from daydreaming and come back to the real world, where your choices impact those around you. It is almost a guarantee that your daydreams are made up to make you feel better, so talk to someone about your issues, please.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Your “living vicariously” through other people is showing through this week. Fantastic, now we all have to hear about how unlucky you are because you suffered the consequences of your own decisions. Yippie.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): People say you have an inferiority complex, but there’s really nothing complex about it. Bouncing from one extreme to another, your closest relative is probably a metronome.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Keep up that chill energy Libra, we know you’re doing great. Don’t listen to what anyone else tries to tell you, stay on top of your reading, and do great things King.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Let’s work on impulse control this week. I know you “had” to get whatever it was you needed last week, but recognize that you do not have a money tree growing in your kitchen sink, that’s just black mold from your refusing to clean it.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Healing and self-care. Stop watching Bojack Horseman and grab a cup of coffee with an old friend this week. No one should put themselves through that show more than once.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19): Go outside this week. Touch some grass. Step away from your phone or computer or whatever it is and enjoy some damn sunlight. Doom scrolling on whatever app or game will be available after you’ve enjoyed some much-needed vitamin D.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Stuck in a rut? Put your feet on the ground and stand up for yourself, for once. You are not a doormat, so stop being okay with being walked on. Or do, the choice is yours.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Take a load off this week, and remember to grab your laundry before it starts to grow spores. If you let it happen again you’ll probably be studied in a lab. So let’s focus on being on time, and remembering at least that one thing this week.

Post Author: Alex Soeder