Aries (March 21-April 19): Big rock collecting energy this week Aries. Gravel bits, asphalt, some shale… just stay away from the “rocks” that come from animals, we know you can’t tell the difference between a rock and animal dung, so use your 5 senses for once.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Chicken Tender Champion right here. Y’all know how to slam the world’s most mid plate of medium warm chicken tenders and LOVE saying how “I know the best chicken place in town.” Newsflash loser, Chick-Fil-A is mid asf, and let’s grow up and move away from the kids menu.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Olivia Rodrigo will never notice you, she will never notice how many songs you repost on Insta or Snap. Your music taste is incredibly boring and let’s go back to California, you shitty off brand hipster. Fits are trash as well btw.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): You sure love saying STRAIGHT FUEGO FIRE GASSSSS. STRAIGHT FUEGO FIRE GASSSSS. STRAIGHT FUEGO FIRE GASSSSS. STRAIGHT FUEGO FIRE GASSSSS. STRAIGHT FUEGO FIRE GASSSSS. STRAIGHT FUEGO FIRE GASSSSS. STRAIGHT FUEGO FIRE GASSSSS. STRAIGHT FUEGO FIRE GASSSSS.
Leo (July 23-August 22): You’re not the crime-fighting, nightstalking, vigilante. You are not Batman, put down your Lego (™) hands, Loser. Pick up a textbook and focus on getting your homework done on time.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): You probably don’t like trying new things, do you Virgo. Stay in your bubble of safe foods and boring, lame, uneventful unsocial life. Also don’t forget to reset your TU password, don’t get locked out, loser.
Libra (September 23-October 22): How is your relationship with your parents? Stressed, strained, and slanderous? We know Libra, we know. You don’t have much of a relationship with either of them, so “focus on yourself.”
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): To all Scorpios, except you Jen, take great caution when washing your clothes. The sock monster that lives in your washer and dryer is on the prowl for your favorite, nicest fitting left sock this week. If you have to wash them, throw a singular sliced pickle in the left sock of your favorite pair, and get over all of your clothes reeking of brine.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Big razor wire energy this week Sagittarius. Take extra precaution if you’re scaling fences topped with it. And take even more extra super precaution when you go to land, Aries took all the rocks from your landing zone and left animal dung. Or was it vice versa?
Capricorn (December 22- January 19): Fetal position crying in the shower this week, 6 hours to be precise. Tell your roommate/suitemates about it so they aren’t blindsided by the wave of steam that thunderously rolls out of the bathroom stinking of depression.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): You’ve got a lot of pets, and keep up the positive petkeeping energy this week. Those pets love you, not just for your bald head, but for fantastic advice and your wonderful listening skills. Keep it up.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Big kidney infection energy coming your way this week. Stop drinking so much cranberry juice, you’re probably going to have a kidney stone the size of Rhode Island with how much tea you drink too. And you smell like fish, go shower.
