Aries (March 21-April 19): You are on fire this week Aries. No literally, watch out for spontaneously combusting, that’s generally seen by 9 out of 10 dermatologists as a bad way to exfoliate. Invest in some Cerave or Lancôme products instead. That 1 dermatologist is really weird too, so don’t listen to them.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Learn to not speak your mind, you never know when your boss, who might be 5’1 1/2” with bangs, is listening. Or just speak your mind, and suffer the potential consequences of not having a job anymore. I don’t really care what you do, Taurus, just stop complaining about it to me.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Focus on your wallet this week Gemini. Some might say you have arachnophobia the way your bank account is looking, so let’s take some time to get a job and get out of your parents basement, especially you Christian.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): That waste of time and money – I mean hobby – you call a “coping mechanism,” isn’t actually a real way to deal with your problems. Grow up and learn how to deal with your issues in an adult way, instead of blowing money on children’s coloring books and refusing to acknowledge your trauma.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Watch out for slippery surfaces this week Leo, the stars have aligned in a hate filled setup and have stored negative energy for you. They said something about hoping you slip a disk, so take extra precaution on your date this Thursday for the stars outside of Panera.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Don’t get your hopes up Virgo, this Spring Break will not be filled with a relaxing vacation. You have to read and do the assignments you told yourself you would, “do later this semester,” and now it is later in the semester.
Libra (September 23-October 22): You look like a fool with that ketchup stain on your collared shirt that won’t come out. Don’t take it to the dry cleaners, throw that nasty shirt out and purchase another one from literally anywhere. Pink stains on the collar look childish anyways, loser.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): The old lady that follows you at the basketball game is probably harmless, but just to be sure you should run around campus 37 times. This will stop her from following you, not because of any superstition, she’ll just be too tired to keep up. Watch out for her cane though.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Let’s take some time this week and reflect on your actions Sagittarius (more like Sadittarius). You skipped therapy, skipped classes, and now you’re dealing with the consequences of your actions. I hope you do better this week.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19): You probably think Sunny-D (™) is actually orange juice, and you definitely think that Category 5 has the best food on campus as well. Take your incorrect food opinions and go back to eating burnt ramen noodles with sriracha and calling it “gourmet.”
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Starbucks is going to run out of the ingredients for your “Venti Iced Caramel Macchiato with almond milk and an extra shot of espresso. Have the caramel drizzle divided equally in the bottom and on top of the foam, with light ice. Add 3 pumps of mocha syrup, 2 pumps of toffee nut syrup, and a sprinkle of cinnamon on top. Serve it in a grande cup with a separate cup of ice on the side and a packet of Sweet’N Low.”
Pisces (February 19-March 20): No horoscope for you this week Pisces, come back after spring break and try your luck then.
