Aries — They say one bad apple spoils the whole bunch but that won’t matter because every cop is a bastard, and all the apples at the grocery store are mushy.
Taurus — Everyone you vote for in the midterm will lose by an embarrassing margin, but at least you don’t live in Texas.
Gemini — Your landlord will evict you because you are late on rent, which he inflated at the last minute, citing upkeep costs all while he still won’t fix the fucking dryer. You have nothing to lose but your chains!
Cancer — Having kids is the worst thing an individual can do as far as environmental impact goes, which makes you really environmentally friendly due to your not having any sex.
Leo — The bank left their safe unlocked. This might be the big break you are looking for. It isn’t like you were going to pay off those student loans otherwise.
Virgo — You will be expelled for not doing your alcohol training video on time.
Libra — Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.
Scorpio — You have been selected to win a $1000 Amazon gift card! Please click here for more information!
Sagittarius — Ever heard of the Titanic? Yeah …
Capricorn — You should cut out people who don’t like you. Always remember that only God can judge you. That being said, judging by the lightning bolt that will strike you, he isn’t too thrilled with you either.
Aquarius — Your name is Dick Chaney. You will be arrested under Universal Jurisdiction on behalf of the International Criminal Court and will be executed on charges of torture. If it makes you feel any better the US will retroactively invade the Netherlands on your behalf. You are still going to die but at least you will cause one more violent conflict abroad. A last hurrah as it were.
Pisces -— Pisces? More like a piece of shit. Got ‘em.
