Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): Love is a possibility this week. You have been out of action for a while now, and your game may be rusty. Fret not, you will fall back into rhythm. Trust the process and keep swiping right, friend.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Eureka! You will find a new motivation to pick at the heap of work you let pile up. There is no chance you will get it all done on time, but Mercury is in gatorade and you’re feeling overly confident. Good luck.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): You may be feeling as though there is a problem in your life you just can’t figure out. That is because you suck at math. I’d declare pass or fail by the end of this semester.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): This week, you will feel like you’re falling into a deep hole. Keep your head down. Please keep your phone sufficiently charged and have 911 on speed dial. I would buy a flare. And don’t trust the whispers.
Leo (July 23-August 22): You’re going to shine this week. Not in a good way. I tried to read your cards, but the results were too blurry to read from the heaping amounts of oil. They wouldn’t even stay still on the table. They just slid right off. Please take a shower.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): This week, private time will be most important as you go through an important change. Stay in your room and never come out. Go into the wilderness and lose your sense of humanity. Honestly, just stay away from the rest of us, we don’t want to be a part of it.
Libra (September 23-October 22): A stroke of good luck is coming your way. As you swim through your fortunes, remember that you did nothing to deserve any of it. Beware of Friday though. The universe will straighten you out by then.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Curiosity looms over you this week. You don’t know what answers you’re searching for, but you will continue to delve deeper. Be careful, they’re watching you.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): You will see a considerable change in attitude towards your financial situation. The planets have aligned with your stars just enough to convince you that you can actually pay off your student debt one day. Happy dreaming, kiddo.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19): You will continue to feel confident in your academics going through midterms. Sure, you failed the first couple already, but it was probably due to that pesky weather being a degree off that day. No matter the excuses, you are totally still intellectually superior to those around you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): You may find it in your favor to change up plans and take a week of leisure. After a hard week, it seems like the best choice. Don’t. That’s how the world gets you. You already thought about taking a break, didn’t you? Now you’re behind.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): You have to do perfectly this week. Check your calendars and check them again. You don’t want to mess up. It’s coming.