Gather round, ye olde Pagans! As Taurus enters Uranus (or is that the other way around … I’m new at this) we’re diving deep into our sun signs to survive the week.

AriesAries Targaryen
You are determined to catch up on Game of Thrones this week, even though you still haven’t actually started season one. This is a mistake! Just Google a synopsis and go do that project you still haven’t finished from last semester.

Taurus A Load of Bullshit
Even though the moon is just passing through, don’t feel left out. If you have no friends, join the How to Become a Communist book club. I’ve heard it’s long and hard, so loads of fun. Sign up at: www.weheartmarx.com

Gemini“I ate my twin in the womb”
As the sun opposes Neptune, let your alter ego loose this week. Make up a conspiracy about your twin killing JFK and watch as your TikTok subscribers shoots past a million. If you don’t have a twin, are you even really a Gemini?

CancerWe don’t joke about that … ever
OK, but for real, you need to get over what I allegedly said
in your dream 34 years ago, Karen. It was a joke.

Leo – 10 points to Gryffindor
You are too much of an attention whore, so grab your hydroflask-sksk, put on your scrunchies and birkenstocks and become a VSCO girl like everyone else. And I oop.

VirgoLike a Virgo
You definitely think you’re smarter than you actually are. The rest of us know you were paid by the CIA to kill John Paul I because you couldn’t get into college and they couldn’t find anyone else desperate enough. So quit being a PriMADONNA!

Libra – Libratarian
Your friends won’t want to hang out with you this week,
so just kidnap them. Take them to a secluded cabin in the woods that you’ve been saving just for this occasion. If your gal pals start screaming, reassure them that this is a great way to unwind.

ScorpioLeonardo Discorpio
People often assume you’re kinky and promiscuous, so why not live up to their expectations? Become a dominatrix on the side! Alternatively, start a harem and invite all your friends to become your lovers.

Though this week will be dull and uneventful, you will still
exaggerate every detail enough to make all your friends jealous. This, however, will ultimately backfire and you will be convicted of the Cookie Cutter Murders because you didn’t have an alibi for any of the 69 murders. Don’t take it too hard. You’ll flourish in prison with all the interesting stories you’ll make up.

Even though Mercury isn’t in retrograde, your world has been completely turned upside down. Your girlfriend dumped you, your best friend has this weird obsession with aliens and you heard rumors that coffee would be banned on campus. Take it easy this week, and maybe find an alternative to your bean juice addiction.

You may have heard that True Commitment only affects the 6 percent, but what they didn’t tell you is that it actually affects the 6 percent and all Aquarians. Get unborn and reborn in another month or get out.

Pisces – Fishy bois and gorls
Make like a flying fish, leap out of the ocean of your tears and find a bitch to love and cherish you always. If that doesn’t work, marry your best friend. You picked them for a reason.

Post Author: Michaela Bueche