Senior State-Run writer Sam Beckmann shares his tips for hiding your alcoholism behind an air of sophistication and pretension.
It’s a common problem. You’re staring down your tenth Four Loko of the night and wondering if this will be the one that makes people stop seeing you as a liquor connoisseur and start seeing you as an alcoholic. But do not despair, dear reader, for this will be your ultimate guide to drinking yourself into sweet oblivion while retaining the facade of sophisticated drinker! The tips and tricks herein provide all manner of underhanded tactics to beguile and deceive those you would deem to call friends, but there is no need to worry, as these so-called friends almost certainly using the same tactics to fool poor saps such as you. So without further ado as I need to get drinking soon, let’s jump right in!
Prepare a list of fancy-sounding alcohol descriptions to say thoughtfully after sipping your bottom-shelf whiskey. As in most aspects of life, preparation is key here. You can’t expect to think up something elegant on the fly, especially when you’re completely wasted. So in advance of a party, familiarize yourself with phrases such as, “I really appreciate the caramel aftertones,” or, “The cinnamon scent really complements the taste here; I might have to try this one straight next time.” Comments such as these go a long way to alleviating any suspicion that you are only drinking the hard stuff to get blackout quicker.
Make sure you give every drink a name, even if it’s just a conglomeration of random things found around the apartment. One who mixes 7-Up, orange juice and rum together because they’re all next to each other on the counter is an alcoholic. One who exclaims that the host cleverly bought all the ingredients for a Jamaican Corkscrew (two parts OJ, two parts lemon-lime soda, five parts white rum, shaken) is clearly a sophisticated drinker. And don’t be afraid to make up drinks on the spot, as I did here. Chances are your friends won’t know any better and take your word at face value!
Choose a type of liquor (or wine) and act like it utterly disgusts you. Insult those who drink it all night. This one might seem less obvious, but it’s an essential part of being an alcohol snob. You see, a true alcoholic would never be against drinking alcohol. But declaring that tequila (or spiced rum, or really any other drink of your choice) is repulsive and you can’t believe anyone would drink it shows the sense of class and sophistication your cheap beer-guzzling friends can only dream of.
I hope these tips are helpful, and always remember, a functioning alcoholic is hardly an alcoholic at all! Good luck, and don’t forget to have too much fun this weekend!