How to order a Pumpkin Spice Latte without being way too basic

It’s Pumpkin Spice Latte season again, and you know what that means! It’s that special time of the year where we get together, head to the local coffee shop and drown ourselves in gallons of pumpkin spice. But unfortunately some of us like to be seen as cool, avant garde or even post-modern. Do you need to consume pumpkin spice in the fall to function? Do you fear the ridicule of others who will judge you for your drink choices? Is your ego really that fragile? Just follow these steps to hide how basic you are, and you too can impress even the sassiest of coffee snobs!

Pretend like you didn’t even want a PSL in the first place

The first step is to never make direct eye contact. Whether your hipster barista looks like young Obi-Wan Kenobi or old Obi-Wan Kenobi, you should know that they can see the fear in your eyes. Everyone knows that baristas go through special training that teaches them to sense the weak and bully them into getting Starbucks gift cards. The second key to success is to order something fake but so obscure and cool sounding that they know that you have the current knowledge to rival all the cool kids. But here’s the trick: you can’t order something that they can feasibly understand. Some pretend drink names that I have used include the “Triple Double Reverse Caffeine Vacuum Reduction”, the “Jimmy Carter” or simply the “Reasonably Priced Beverage”. When the barista tells you that you’re speaking nonsense, that’s your cue to sneer and sarcastically say “I guess I’ll take the pumpkin spice latte.” Then when people ask what coffee you got, tell them that you bought the farm-grown, organic, non-GMO, vegan black coffee.

Work out until everyone around you is too afraid to think you’re basic

Baristas are territorial creatures — usually nocturnal, and often transmit rabies through their bite. In order to impress the barista you need to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger if Arnold Schwarzenegger had all of his skin replaced with six packs. It’s a small price to pay for peace of mind while you drink pumpkin spice. No one will think twice about judging someone for being basic when they look like they eat trucks for breakfast. I’ve been taking steroids and going to the gym for 6 straight years and people have stopped talking to me entirely. It’s amazingly effective!

Impress strangers with other skills to distract them from how shallow you actually are

If you can juggle or sing or something useless like that, use it to seem less basic, but if you want to impress people you don’t know you need something harder. Let them know you aren’t the average Starbucks goer by learning advanced calligraphy techniques. Nothing says “totally not basic” like being able to handwrite very pretty letters. Pen sets usually go for around $20 at the local Hot Topic. I’ve written several letters in intricate calligraphy to Starbucks encouraging them to start selling calligraphy pens of their own. There is much to learn if you want to let everyone know that you are the most unique snowflake, you must never slack on your training. The people who will judge you the hardest for ordering a PSL think they know everything, so you have to impress them. Always make everything overly complicated in your calligraphy so they know how inferior they are with their basic typefaces.

Post Author: tucollegian

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