How to prove you are the alpha male to your teachers

Power hungry but don’t know the best way to assert your dominance on campus? Look no further than the following list on how to prove you are the alpha male to even the most intimidating of teachers. No Y chromosome needed.
Don’t wear a jacket, even in (insert coldest building on campus here). You remember those “tough” guys in high school who would wear flip flops and cargo shorts even in winter? Yeah, be that person.
Steal the teacher’s rolling chair. Take the best chair in the room, especially if it is the elusive rolling chair, particularly if it has cushiony seats.
Give the teacher your own syllabus. Tell the teacher everything you expect out of them for the semester.
Demand that the teacher stop self-plagiarizing from his or her past lessons. You can’t self-plagiarize your papers, why should professors be able to copy their old powerpoints and same old boring lectures?
Show up late to class. Every. Time. Make a lot of noise coming in, perhaps by blasting your music. Show up with a Starbucks to show that yes, you had the time to get ready this morning, you just chose to spend that extra time getting your necessary coffee fix.
Give the teacher’s your own office hours. Be sure and tell them that they can only get the privilege to help you during said office (or dorm) hours. Yes, this includes making them walk all the way from Keplinger to one of the Fishers.
Don’t buy the textbook. Even better, make the teacher buy your own book or Soundcloud album, link posted in your bio.
Don’t bring supplies to class. Don’t even bring one of your own pencils, steal one of the teacher’s (while they are looking, of course).They ask you to bring the book every day to class every day? See above step.
Stare down the teacher the entire class. Never break eye contact, the one that does is considered lower on the totem pole.
Start howling or growling. The teacher goes on a tangent about something you disagree with, like how social media is the devil? Start growling menacingly. Bonus points for foaming at the mouth.
Piss on the teacher’s property to claim territory. Hike up your leg and pee on the teacher’s podium, making you the new teacher (and therefore alpha male) by default.
Wear a muscle shirt and flex anytime anyone looks at you.
Crush a beer can. Requirement: no light beers. Bonus points if you can do it with your mind.
Steal your teacher’s bae. The teacher shows their happy family on a powerpoint the first day of class? Too late, now they’re your family.
Grade the teacher. The teacher gives your test back three weeks after you took it? Ten percent off their grade. Make sure and keep them to the same standards (or better yet, higher) for attendance.
Text in class. Assert your dominance by breaking the rules by texting through the entire class, especially by finding your teacher’s phone number and messaging them throughout class reminding them of your dominance.

Post Author: Madison Connell